Assessments, Anxiety, and Safety-Critical Roles...

[Broken Viking]

Hi folks!
I'm finding myself in a very difficult position this morning after a situation that happened last night. Glossing over a lot of detail and background for brevity - Except for the fact certain communities of faith have some very strange views on bringing up their children in isolation to "protect against sin", permanently stripping them of all strength, confidence, and ability to communicate outside of that faith to effect confinement and a control-through-fear, and that I was unfortunate enough to suffer such abuse as well as being thrown out because I wasn't "what it said on the tin" - I'm extraordinarily vulnerable, have had no family in effect since 2001, have about as much security as an investment in crypto, and a GP (Of that same alignment of faith) who persistently refuses any restorative treatment/cure for a clear prioritisation of prejudice of faith above patient need despite such treatment seen to have been freely afforded to another patient who's fortunate enough not to have my sexual orientation. As a result I have hair-trigger anxiety, am so sensitive the Australian Geological Survey could employ me as a seismograph, and am so thin-skinned and unresilient I make Elon Musk look like an Armadillo in comparison.

As mentioned in another thread I have an Assessment Centre (AC) next week for a non-passenger facing, Safety-Critical role. I've been working through the practice material as much as I can - Indeed; I'm feeling confident at TRP-2 and WAFV (Q grid) already, and hope I can meet the challenges of TEA-OCC and (The biggest scare for me, especially as I have very very few examples to draw on) the structured interview - But I've also had a cloud over me throughout the past week. Anyone who saw me around Reading Main/aboard 1O79 last Wednesday could see that I was definitely struggling a lot (Not too much detail, but a man with tears in his eyes staring at DCCR is an obvious sign that things aren't OK) and a similar case of the Alienation last night resulted in my leaving a supermarket in tears. This isn't the only AC I've found myself lined up for in the past year, but suffering an assault by a neighbour a fortnight before the previous one forced me to withdraw that application as I was a complete wreck afterwards.

Once again I'm finding myself at a very difficult decision point, not helped by the close proximity of next weeks AC: I'm reasonably confident that I have the necessary skills and aptitude to perform in the role, and have tried to gravitate toward roles where the passenger factor can be reduced, confined to specific groups where mutual understanding is likely, or eliminated entirely. However the extreme level of hair-trigger anxiety I have to deal with for that wrongful and non-chosen childhood abuse - And my GP thinking that drugs (Which I've tried in the past; Loss of all Orienteering capability was the result) are my "only" option when non-LGBT patients are being given direct access to positive outcomes in health, fitness (Including free gym access) and widespread social acceptance without any requirement to take funny pills - Is to the point where my volatility/tendency to have breakdowns is going to be risky enough at an AC, let alone if accepted and progressed into role where I'm inevitably going to have one or two colleagues that I won't get on with (That's standard in every workplace, at least I know that now!).
I've been adrift without any kind of family or companionship for over two decades - My last partner dumping me for somebody else (because that "better" person had never endured such abuse) added a Traxx-shaped knife to go alongside the '68 Stock and e320 shaped ones already sticking out of my back - And every attempt I make to try to get back on my feet (Why do you think I've started applying for jobs now the new gov't has finally progressed me to Universal Credit after the previous one persistently ignored all of my requests over a 13 year period?) ends up in the same overall place; Derailed on the first set of catch points and being about as much use to anybody as a Class 153 in the rush hour.

If my GP would do their job properly - As they have done for a former neighbour of mine with the same neurodiversity but not the "wrong" sexual orientation - This vulnerability would have been banished more than 18 years ago and I would have a decent working history behind me. But because there seems to be a fashion of multiple diversity deserves no cure in that department I'm being forced into the same Flight of Icarus over and over and over, and there's a pretty deep crater being formed by all those failed attempts. I don't want this to be yet another one - Even a 737-MAX (An unfortunate metaphor for my mental health) can leave the ground if you kick it hard enough - But should I really be attending an Assessment Centre if my anxiety can be so thermonuclear it really ought to be managed by BNFL?

I'm trying to do the best I can - I'm as able-bodied as anybody else of my age, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be back in work already - But this whole culture of disability/diversity only "counting" if it assumes a photographically evident form is really wrecking everything. Especially when it becomes "OK" for a victim of abuse to be thrown away and denied acceptance by those who they love because such abuse makes them "damaged goods", leaving them even more vulnerable and sensitive than ever before. The Alienation has been so pronounced over the years it even leads to physical impacts, like an apparent throat infection and significant difficulty with sleep I've had over the past few days.

I've included an anonymous poll to collect recommendations that closes on Saturday morning, which will be taken in an advisory capacity. I really want to proceed as I have done since I made the application over two months ago, but at the same time I don't want to go wasting a TOCs time/resources if it's a definite lost cause...

Many thanks in advance for any advice.

 

[Error404]

An interesting read.

We all shoulder burdens small and large, forms of misfortune, death in family, loss of job, etc. Either through luck or circumstance, deserved or undeserved.

It is how you respond, not what happened -That is the only thing you are in control of.

One thing I have learnt is that despite this, nobody is coming, nobody will help you and it is you that is the in driving seat of your life.

You could spend your life blaming others and perhaps you might get sympathy from others, but what valid currency is that? Would you get a job from an interviewer on the basis of sympathy?

Shoulder your burden and wear it with pride.

Obstacle > plan > action > review

What did you learn, what could you have done better?

I can only recall what I did under the same test circumstances. I spent hours (easily 100) quite literally scanning YouTube, forums, etc. Getting all the information I needed about what skills I needed to have. Memory, recall, concentration, communication, etc. I identified weak areas within myself, acknowledged them and built upon them - Self reflection, even if it was tough. I rejected social calls and events in order to prepare for what I wanted. I did not receive much help from anyone else. Internally I am very proud of what I did - I care little what others think.

I won't vote, only you know what is best for you.

 

[jupiter]

Forgive me, I won't vote either.

What sort of employment or volunteering history do you have so far?

 

[357]

I think you need to use another GP and make a complaint about your current one.

I don't recommend anyone enters a safety critical position without having their head in the right place.

 

[I_am_Nobody]

You seem like someone who has gone to great lengths to make yourself a better person, and that goes a long way! Like the others, only you know the right decision and choice for you, so I won’t participate in the poll… but the railway is (in my personal experience) an amazing and accepting place to work. If you think you can manage, and your mental health is in the right place, we will welcome you with open arms.

 

[Swall]

I won’t be voting either but please don’t throw an assessment centre life away by not being on top form. Plenty of people have come on here after losing their 2 goes at it who said they probably shouldn’t have turned up for whatever reason. Only you will know if you can bring the best possible version of yourself. The day is stressful enough without worrying that you could be in a better place. I wish you all the luck in whatever you decide to do and like previous posters have said the railway can be a very welcoming place.

 

[NSEWonderer]

As others have said, if you're questioning or doubting your readiness for an assessment center, to the point of needing a poll to decide, it is best to postpone. I hope you're in a better mental and physical state to attempt it again at the right time. It is a great job!

 

[43066]

Is to the point where my volatility/tendency to have breakdowns is going to be risky enough at an AC, let alone if accepted and progressed into role where I'm inevitably going to have one or two colleagues that I won't get on with

If you have a tendency to have breakdowns/meltdowns then safety critical work probably isn’t going to be suitable, unless this can be managed effectively. It isn’t just about colleges, it’s also about potentially confrontational situations with members the public who may be mentally ill/drunk/drugged. This is less likely for a driver to encounter than other grades, but still a possibility. There is also the possibility of dealing with the aftermath of suicides, and various extremely stressful situations can arise in the event of train failures, such a needing to evacuate the train.

If you are on meds for anxiety these will need to be disclosed and approved by occupational health, but there is no reason to believe they would be an automatic bar to employment

 

[nolypops83]

Hi, fellow neurodiverse person here and just wanted to say I'm sorry you've been through all of that. Sending a virtual hug. We have a neurodiversity thread going if you want to join in! https://www.railforums.co.uk/threads/neurodiversity-working-on-the-railway.279880/

For context - While I can't pretend to know what it's like to go through your struggles (I'm bi and female but my partner is male so unless I told you, you'd never know) I can sympathise with your fight to get treated properly. I was only diagnosed last year with ADHD (I'm 41) and I'm on the waiting list for ASD diagnosis appointment. Previously was treated for anxiety and depression and "women's troubles." I had my first driver assessment in 2023 and failed the 2 hand, but successfully passed everything in May and I'm about to start driver training. So' I can't give you any advice on your suitability for the job as some other people have done, as I haven't yet done it, so I'll stick to the assessments.

The assessments themselves aren't that hard on their own if you have the skill. The hard part is doing them all in one day, under test conditions, with a life on the line. Some TOC's split them so this may not be the case for you. I am probably weird for saying that I actually enjoyed them, but I love any sort of quiz, puzzle, game etc. The interview was fine but I've heard people say that it was intense so it depends on the interviewer. Mentally, you need to be strong and remain calm and collected. Easier said than done, right?

I have some questions

1. Are you sitting all the tests in one day and is this with OPC, RCG or the TOC?
2. Have you asked for any accommodations due to your disability and did you declare it on the application?

On a separate note - change your GP immediately, and put in a complaint if you have the energy for it. The practice should be aware of their unprofessional behaviour.

 

[godfreycomplex]

In regard to the interview/assessment set up don't be afraid to ask for a reasonable adjustment under the Equality Act. For example, having questions in advance or having the interview in a quieter setting (although only you know what's best for you). Few, if any, safety critical jobs on the railway involve being interviewed for a job as part of their regular shift pattern, so any adjustments you need in an interview context won't necessarily effect your suitability for a job being interviewed for. It's not easy to ask for these I know, but make use of the rights given to you by law. To my surprise, many people in the railway (and I've been in a non passenger facing safety critical role for over a decade now) are only too happy to meet this request.

However...

Be prepared for the railway environment to cause some challenges. The nature of the tests you're doing suggests that your prospective role is shift based. I don't know your level of exposure to shift work previously, but it can exacerbate a lot of the problems you're having. To work a safety critical shift based role (especially early on), you need to be well rested and comparatively stable. I'm not saying that you have to be bouncing around like Tigger for every 3am start but a certain degree of reflection is necessary. At the very least, it can make for a very uncomfortable and stressful time if you're not, much more so than if you are. I'm not going to say don't go for it as for one thing I think that the maturity and strength of character to even identify this as an issue, let alone do the amount of reflection and communication that you've done, is a huge asset to a safety critical role.

Also, as others have said (and I know this isn't easy now) but change your GP and get them reported, when you feel up to it

 

[Broken Viking]

Hi again folks...And in the first instance, Thankyou for the advice.
I'm going to start in saying that I'm responding in a rather distressed condition tonight - I've been crying a lot, and the situation seems to be having impact on aspects of my physical health too - So apologies in advance if I wibble or say anything out of turn. I might also respond in multiple parts on account of the extreme length the draft is running to.

We all shoulder burdens small and large, forms of misfortune, death in family, loss of job, etc. Either through luck or circumstance, deserved or undeserved. It is how you respond, not what happened -That is the only thing you are in control of. One thing I have learnt is that despite this, nobody is coming, nobody will help you and it is you that is the in driving seat of your life. You could spend your life blaming others and perhaps you might get sympathy from others, but what valid currency is that? Would you get a job from an interviewer on the basis of sympathy?

Those are all very valid points, but extremely difficult ones for me as well. I've never had any functional control of my life - My father was the sort of person oppressively insistent on laying out a static 1.435mm route for the child to follow even before their birth and burning it solidly into them (He never once thought the child might turn out to be gauged for 1.668mm because he was such a narrow- and short-sighted "person". Odin knows why LUL choose to employ a virtually blind man as a lighting engineer!) and even though it's perfectly OK for other people to make choices about my life - Such as my Ex's choice to throw me away because the abusive and isolated childhood made me "damaged" - And for their choices to be respected, it's strangely Not OK for the choices I make over my life - Such as obtaining the same heavy social encouragement on the person that such a choice is clearly not OK and warrants reversal (Something straight people always have freely extended toward them) or my choice for the weakness and vulnerability I've been forced to suffer to be removed to equate (Equality Act 2010) the same strength and fortitude non-rejected heterosexuals never have stripped from them in the first place - To be similarly respected.

The oppressive conditioning (Which included conversion "therapy" and an intentional seeding of the strongest self-hatred imaginable) to a very specific and narrowly defined form of life was so strong I fear it is likely to be permanent, and it is debilitatingly confining. I have never felt any sense of practical freedom - My whole life has always been "sandboxed' - And many of the things I would have done if I'd had the same freedom the majority of people are able to take for granted have been blocked entirely. I have never been able to move out of the UK (I can't even leave it now, for unfortunately clear reasons), never had any freedom to explore certain aspects of myself before 2017 (When my last relationship finally managed to break the celibacy after two years of unquestionably natural feeling showed such celibacy was absolutely meaningless), and to this day the only tattoos I have are medical ones in the lining of my bowel. The one way in which I have ever come close to being my true self has been when Orienteering, where my abnormal and strong love of route choices through Gorse thickets shows itself in the most sanguine ways possible.

There seems to be a very strange fashion for people with serious criminal offences on their records to still be treated and accommodated far better than people with no offences on their records at all (Mine's clean, and I have the DBS to prove it) and I think pointing to the recently exposed case of a Mr. L. Tahiraj (See: Queensland #353 of 2014; Mods, this is an item of Australian public record already widely disseminated) - Who has been kept close by family and given a fair second chance at life with significant positive outcome despite the disgusting nature of his offences - Shows this in a way that really exhibits highly misplaced priorities in the justice system; Mr. Tahiraj's offences (Despite their nature) are somehow "less of a problem" than the "offence" I apparently commit of being a homosexual male who "isn't right" for the ASD, and who (rightfully) refuses to identify or associate with the alignment of faith that he has been "deemed" [Ex. 13:02] to be a part of (i.e: Signed into the slavery of) but with which he has no authentic identity at all.
It genuinely makes me believe the only way I am ever likely to receive fair accommodation is if I commit severe offences myself (Not of the same nature; My gravitation is toward violence, and bloodletting in particular) and of course that's not OK by any measure.

Also; It should be added that when somebody has The Good Samaritan Obligation [Luke 10:25 on] forcibly driven into them throughout childhood to the extent they are compulsively compliant with it and cannot escape that driven-in obligation in any way, then the persons who drove in that obligation reasonably stand fully accountable to respecting it in the direction of the person they drove it into (Including obliging GPs/statutory services deliver the same outcomes to myself that are seen in other patients) which certainly hasn't happened in my case despite my being so compliant with it I'm fully conformant with §323(c) of the Deutsche Strafgesetzbuch. It's thanks to this - And the fact my identity with Germany is now so strong I am far more likely to choose ending my life inside Germany over being made to board trains back to the UK - That I find myself unable to leave the latter, noting such a circumstance means (Ironically) my simply entering Germany could constitute a criminal offence with a one year sentence to it.

What sort of employment or volunteering history do you have so far?

A difficult one. Quick rundown...

• Various short-term/part time retail, industrial and fast "food" service positions during further education.
• Signal Technician Apprenticeship at LUL; Constructively ejected for neurodiversity and non-heterosexual orientation. Ejected by family immediately after (N.B: My "father" was also an LUL employee, and at this point my developmental age was almost certainly no higher than ten.)
  It should be added evidence suggesting industrial corruption relating to my case was discovered in 2023 and resulted in a case being filed with the BTP, but no due or useful action has ever been taken with respect of it, despite a subsequent BTP-responded incident concerning myself last year.
• Moved to supported housing
• Voluntary position: General labour and electrical safety (PAT) at a local Lions project. Squeezed out by CPS dropping community service cases on said project, which had limited staff capacity.
• Moved to present address, far ahead of readiness
• Various Agency roles in retail, admin and some industrial, plus attempted higher education in computing. Significant issues experienced in workplace and study including extreme panic attacks on shift and even around premesis. Apparent signs of PTSD extending from the employment at LUL and harmful treatment/inaction of superiors thereunder begin to show themselves.
• Long-term unemployment and a lot of misdirection. Occasional odd-jobbing on voluntary basis,
• Mainline voluntary role at British Heart Foundation; General labour and electricals/WEEE. Perfectly fine until...
• COVID-19 pandemic and forced isolation/cutting-off from all contacts. Denied ALL companionship and social interaction throughout 2020-2022 except for local Orienteering group. Need be noted ability to maintain contact/friendships visibly tolerated for heterosexual persons, but lamping a £10k fine for any homosexual attempting to engage in the same things.
• Loss of role at BHF after incident of extreme emotional volatility caused by pandemic isolation and refusal of GP to provide same post-pandemic recovery visibly extended to others.
• Unemployed to now; Trying to get work now that the DWP have finally - After 13 years of asking - Migrated me to Universal Credit, meaning failed attempts at employment no longer mean long-term loss of state support and a 3-6 month period of struggle trying to get it back. Unfortunately, it seems I have a full ASD bind specifically to the rail sector. GP still refusing to remove weakness, vulnerability, or to provide same compensatory characteristics of skinny build, perfect muscle, sustained youth/metabolism visibly extended to heterosexual (former) neighbour of same age and neurodiversity through which he gains widespread social and partner acceptance and a large online following, despite rights to same for myself that stand obligatory under the Equality Act by virtue of the fact they have already been deployed in his favour and he has benefitted from them.

I won’t be voting either but please don’t throw an assessment centre life away by not being on top form. Plenty of people have come on here after losing their 2 goes at it who said they probably shouldn’t have turned up for whatever reason.

Something you say there (Highlighted) makes me even more anxious now, depending on how "goes" is counted. This is the second AC I've been lined up for - The previous was for IÉ's 2024 intake last November (Withdrawn from two weeks before following assault by neighbour) - And if "goes" includes being scheduled to attend an AC (Whether or not one turns up/is able to make it) then I am already more cooked than I would be if I bridged DCCR with my hands and feet, something that's been a worryingly frequent vision in my mind over the past 3-4 years as it is. And the way I was staring at the DCCR on P5/6 at Reading last Monday with tears in my eyes shows those visions are still very much a concern...

I don't recommend anyone enters a safety critical position without having their head in the right place.

As others have said, if you're questioning or doubting your readiness for an assessment center, to the point of needing a poll to decide, it is best to postpone. I hope you're in a better mental and physical state to attempt it again at the right time. It is a great job!

There are definite concerns in my mind at present, only some of which I've been clear about. Trying to avoid TMI, but I've been experiencing ideations that a failed AC might result in me doing (Or at least desiring to do) physical harm to myself in ways that would make the journey home operationally awkward. I've also had at least 2-3 points in the past 24h where I've run my fitness to travel assessment (Something I developed a decade ago to avoid my mental health resulting in unscheduled leave for staff) and the result has suggested it would not be safe to be around the railway environment without appropriate supervision. That's definitely not a good look for any safety critical role, even if this situation is rapidly showing itself to be an extremely unsettling, real life SJT scenario.

I think you need to use another GP and make a complaint about your current one.

On a separate note - change your GP immediately, and put in a complaint if you have the energy for it.

I have tried to make complaints about the non-accommodation of my GP in the past to local NHS offices (I also raised safeguarding concerns over the same in a recent PIP claim) but nothing has ever come of it - Either there's a bad case of the Don't care going on (Something frequently extended toward folks with ASD, and which absolutely destroyed me in 2018 when I found Eurostar repeatedly taking that attitude in my direction ) or there are Kickbax going on behind the scenes.

I have tried to move GP in the past only for my current GP to actively discourage any consideration of this by employing language I have subsequently identified as being intentionally structured to convey threat behind seemingly innoculous words, evidently exploiting the vulnerability I have to make me dread being GP-less. They have also implied that my records could be held or locked in some way that would inhibit transfer to another GP (This feels the same as needing the "consent" of your existing energy provider to switch to a different one, which is why I've never been able to change mine despite it apparently being "OK" for them to pass my energy account to another company without obtaining my consent for this to happen. )
I have recently been advised by a neighbour that GPs receive payments from the NHS just for having patients on their books (Whether they are seen/consulted or not; Since my last consultation I don't think seeing my GP in person would be safe or lawful, given the significant violence in myself in that direction) so I am also considering that my GP practice is being actively exploitative of my condition/vulnerability for unearned profit.

I'm going to clip it there for the moment as just typing this has taken more than four hours and I need a mind/screen break - I'll have to come back to the rest later. But before I nip off, I do have a request that's been burning in the mind since I started this thread...

If anybody happens to know what IÉ pay for each OPC battery they present candidates for prior to assessment, please could they communicate this to me privately. I fear I may have obligations (See IÉ/NIR Rulebook, §A.1.9 & §A.1.14) that I may need to make arrangements to pay back. Thankyou.

 

[Pintman]

Something you say there (Highlighted) makes me even more anxious now, depending on how "goes" is counted. This is the second AC I've been lined up for - The previous was for IÉ's 2024 intake last November (Withdrawn from two weeks before following assault by neighbour) - And if "goes" includes being scheduled to attend an AC (Whether or not one turns up/is able to make it) then I am already more cooked than I would be if I bridged DCCR with my hands and feet, something that's been a worryingly frequent vision in my mind over the past 3-4 years as it is. And the way I was staring at the DCCR on P5/6 at Reading last Monday with tears in my eyes shows those visions are still very much a concern...

An unsuccessful attempt can only happen if you don't meet the standard on one of the tests, being invited and not attending wouldn't be a life lost. Additionally, the RSSB standard only applies to the UK, so IÉ sits outside of it. You've got nothing to worry about there.

You need to consider whether you're in the best possible mental and physical state to sit the assessments, because (for driver roles) you only get a finite number if attempts and therefore need to give yourself the best possible chance of passing. You'll be asked to certify on the day that you are fit and well to sit the tests, once you sign that you are you can't then argue that you weren't because you've explicitly stated that you are.

 

[abr2024]

I’ll be more to the point and direct than others (however this is just my opinion as you’ve turned for advice to an open forum), I don’t think you should be anywhere near a safety critical environment. For your own safety and the safety of others, this isn’t a wise choice at the moment.

 

[Broken Viking]

An unsuccessful attempt can only happen if you don't meet the standard on one of the tests, being invited and not attending wouldn't be a life lost. Additionally, the RSSB standard only applies to the UK, so IÉ sits outside of it. You've got nothing to worry about there.

So if I cancelled my place at the AC prior to the date (With due apologies to the TOC concerned, ofc) there would be no "black marks" for me to worry about? Part of the worry for me is that having confirmed intent to attend an AC and then cancelling again might be seen as extremely bad form...But if there are definite question marks over the stability of my mental health in a safety-critical role, proceeding regardless would be the biggest SJT fail you could imagine - And in the one SJT of record I've sat thus far I scored lower than most of the intake, though I seem to pass company assessment SJTs all the same.

You need to consider whether you're in the best possible mental and physical state to sit the assessments, because (for driver roles) you only get a finite number of attempts and therefore need to give yourself the best possible chance of passing.

And there's the worry; If I find storm clouds gathering above me during a 20-minute trip to a local supermarket (Incidentally; The first time I'd left the house since being invited to/accepting the AC) what am I going to be like sat in a room with 20-40 other candidates for several hours in a situation where I'm feeling considerably less human and confident than those around me, and probably being triggered such that I struggle to remain focussed on the tests themselves?

You'll be asked to certify on the day that you are fit and well to sit the tests, once you sign that you are you can't then argue that you weren't because you've explicitly stated that you are.

As I mentioned in my reply earlier; Personal assessments suggest I can't even certify my ability to travel to/from to the AC without issue and/or requiring supervision. With that in mind; Unless I suddenly had an overnight change that transformed me from enforced christian to absolute Viking with a guarantee of that state remaining in permanence, I don't think I would even be able to sign such a declaration. I certainly wouldn't be able to sign it with the state of my mind at point of posting, that's for sure.

I’ll be more to the point and direct than others (however this is just my opinion as you’ve turned for advice to an open forum), I don’t think you should be anywhere near a safety critical environment. For your own safety and the safety of others, this isn’t a wise choice at the moment.

That is pretty much the crux of what my own brain has been concluding, especially as I'm repeatedly questioning my ability just to be in the safety-critical environment as a passenger whose only real duty is to stay behind the yellow line and conduct themselves sensibly.

Once again, this non-chosen weakness absolutely destroys me. Completely and utterly. It's fortunate that it occurs before any major expense has happened (Up to now; The burden is just some online assessments and a paper sift) but the impact of this upon myself is not going to be a good one.

At least we won't be having any water shortages around my area for the next year or two...

UPDATE, 08:00: Assessment Centre attendance cancelled. With apologies to the TOC concerned. (I'm also going to need to grab a mop to dry up what tumbled out of my eyes for the five straight minutes after clicking that button...)

 

[Spincity]

So if I cancelled my place at the AC prior to the date (With due apologies to the TOC concerned, ofc) there would be no "black marks" for me to worry about? Part of the worry for me is that having confirmed intent to attend an AC and then cancelling again might be seen as extremely bad form...But if there are definite question marks over the stability of my mental health in a safety-critical role, proceeding regardless would be the biggest SJT fail you could imagine - And in the one SJT of record I've sat thus far I scored lower than most of the intake, though I seem to pass company assessment SJTs all the same.

And there's the worry; If I find storm clouds gathering above me during a 20-minute trip to a local supermarket (Incidentally; The first time I'd left the house since being invited to/accepting the AC) what am I going to be like sat in a room with 20-40 other candidates for several hours in a situation where I'm feeling considerably less human and confident than those around me, and probably being triggered such that I struggle to remain focussed on the tests themselves?

As I mentioned in my reply earlier; Personal assessments suggest I can't even certify my ability to travel to/from to the AC without issue and/or requiring supervision. With that in mind; Unless I suddenly had an overnight change that transformed me from enforced christian to absolute Viking with a guarantee of that state remaining in permanence, I don't think I would even be able to sign such a declaration. I certainly wouldn't be able to sign it with the state of my mind at point of posting, that's for sure.

That is pretty much the crux of what my own brain has been concluding, especially as I'm repeatedly questioning my ability just to be in the safety-critical environment as a passenger whose only real duty is to stay behind the yellow line and conduct themselves sensibly.

Once again, this non-chosen weakness absolutely destroys me. Completely and utterly. It's fortunate that it occurs before any major expense has happened (Up to now; The burden is just some online assessments and a paper sift) but the impact of this upon myself is not going to be a good one.

At least we won't be having any water shortages around my area for the next year or two...

UPDATE, 08:00: Assessment Centre attendance cancelled. With apologies to the TOC concerned. (I'm also going to need to grab a mop to dry up what tumbled out of my eyes for the five straight minutes after clicking that button...)

I personally think you have made the correct decision. You are applying for a safety critical role, that will have demands on you both physically and mentally. Even to get into the role is a robust assessment process.

You appear to be struggling already, I don’t think you would therefore be successful through the process and this will have an even bigger negative impact on you.

I think you require better support from other agencies to assist in you recovery before you should even consider a train driver role.

You will be responsible for you and 100s of people safety and I think you are not currently ready for this (in my opinion)

 

[43066]

So if I cancelled my place at the AC prior to the date (With due apologies to the TOC concerned, ofc) there would be no "black marks" for me to worry about? Part of the worry for me is that having confirmed intent to attend an AC and then cancelling again might be seen as extremely bad form...But if there are definite question marks over the stability of my mental health in a safety-critical role, proceeding regardless would be the biggest SJT fail you could imagine - And in the one SJT of record I've sat thus far I scored lower than most of the intake, though I seem to pass company assessment SJTs all the same.

And there's the worry; If I find storm clouds gathering above me during a 20-minute trip to a local supermarket (Incidentally; The first time I'd left the house since being invited to/accepting the AC) what am I going to be like sat in a room with 20-40 other candidates for several hours in a situation where I'm feeling considerably less human and confident than those around me, and probably being triggered such that I struggle to remain focussed on the tests themselves?

As I mentioned in my reply earlier; Personal assessments suggest I can't even certify my ability to travel to/from to the AC without issue and/or requiring supervision. With that in mind; Unless I suddenly had an overnight change that transformed me from enforced christian to absolute Viking with a guarantee of that state remaining in permanence, I don't think I would even be able to sign such a declaration. I certainly wouldn't be able to sign it with the state of my mind at point of posting, that's for sure.

That is pretty much the crux of what my own brain has been concluding, especially as I'm repeatedly questioning my ability just to be in the safety-critical environment as a passenger whose only real duty is to stay behind the yellow line and conduct themselves sensibly.

Once again, this non-chosen weakness absolutely destroys me. Completely and utterly. It's fortunate that it occurs before any major expense has happened (Up to now; The burden is just some online assessments and a paper sift) but the impact of this upon myself is not going to be a good one.

At least we won't be having any water shortages around my area for the next year or two...

UPDATE, 08:00: Assessment Centre attendance cancelled. With apologies to the TOC concerned. (I'm also going to need to grab a mop to dry up what tumbled out of my eyes for the five straight minutes after clicking that button...)

I think this is a very sensible decision in the circumstances. Hopefully you can revisit in the future when you’re in a better place mentally.

 

[transportphoto]

With the best advice possible having been given:

I think this is a very sensible decision in the circumstances. Hopefully you can revisit in the future when you’re in a better place mentally.

I’m going to bring this thread to a close.