<trivia> Funny announcements on trains

[Skimpot flyer]

As someone who normally filters out the repetitive on-board automated announcements, I always listen attentively when there’s a manual one.
I won’t identify the route or service (as no sense-of-humour bosses might discipline the driver), but this one caused a lot of chuckles on arrival into our final stop last night.

‘If you see a discarded packet of a popular flavour of crisps, please report it to a member of staff.

See it. Say it. Ready Salted’

 

[duffield]

A few months ago I was on an EMR class 170 service from Crewe to Nottingham, and the auto-announcer was "having difficulties".
Periodically we got "First class is available on this service" (nope, never on this route) something about "additional coaches will join at the next station" (nope) and a very annoying high-pitched whining which luckily would only last for about 20s each time.

The one that amused me though was every five minutes we would get

"We apologise for the inconvenience caused".

Just by itself.

 

[M&NEJ]

"You can find the shop in coach C for delicious hot and cold snacks..."

(If you don't frequent the WCML: that's Avanti)

 

[peteb]

"You can find the shop in coach C for delicious hot and cold snacks..."

(If you don't frequent the WCML: that's Avanti)

There used to be a steward on virgin cross country who did buffet announcements between Birmingham and the west of England. His catch phrase was something like "come on down [to the buffet] you might find something you'd like, or not!"

Happy to be corrected on the precise wording!

 

[peteb]

Although not intended to be funny, announcements with RP voices saying local station names can be amusing to locals. A common mistake is Row-ley Regis, incorrectly pronounced as "row (as in "row your boat") lee Regis", rather than "row" (as in argue).

 

[6Gman]

On TPE a few days ago (won't say where, some senior manager might call it poor customer service).

"Welcome to this Trans Pennine Express Service to xxxxxx. Our next stop will be xxxxxx. I will shortly be carrying out a ticket inspection. Please note that 'Northern Only' tickets are not valid on this service. If you have a 'Northern Only' ticket please alight now. Or you can stay on the train but I will have to sell you a new ticket. Please don't tell me 'the man on the platform said it was ok'. He might be a cleaner and although cleaners are excellent at cleaning they're not so good on ticket validity."

When I got off I made a point of telling him that I'd appreciated his comments.

 

[Sun Chariot]

When I lived and worked in Central London - my Jubilee Line train ground to a halt and the driver cheerily announced: "We are delayed due to - well - yeknow...." And half of my carriage wearily chanted: "No we don't".

Back in 1984, I travelled WCML to Carlisle, then over the S&C. A highlight was seeing the remaining class 40s, at Carlisle.
On the S&C, we rolled to a stop near Dent. After 15 minutes, the guard appeared in our Mk1 corridor: "I've got some good and bad news. The good news - it's a  lovely view up here. The bad news - we broke down!"
Darkness came, Cumbrian gales and rain lashed our stricken train; until a Holbeck 25 burbled to rescue the failed 31 - and we had delicious audio of a flat-out 'Rat', echoing across the Pennines until we reached Leeds.

 

[akaMcMonagle]

I work on TfW trains and coming into Newport once the guard said “We are now arriving into Newport. If you’re alighting here, why? If you’re carrying on to Cardiff, good choice” got a few chuckles, mainly from staff

 

[Segedunum]

Back in Serco/Abellio Northern days I had a guard announce our train as being to "the delightful Derbyshire town of New Mills Central" and advised that we'd stop at "Romiley International" on the way.

We were then advised to keep an eye on personal belongings such as the kids, wife and mother-in-law...

 

[Joshua_Harman]

When doing a PA On my bus I always begin with ‘Hello folks, this is your captain speaking’

Funnier when I’m on the bus route out to the airport!

 

[voyagerdude220]

There used to be a steward on virgin cross country who did buffet announcements between Birmingham and the west of England. His catch phrase was something like "come on down [to the buffet] you might find something you'd like, or not!"

Happy to be corrected on the precise wording!

I remember hearing Ken Bruce on Radio 2 at the time reading a message from a listener who had recently been on a Cross Country train and heard the catering announcement along the lines of
" For those of you with a sweet tooth, we've got chocolate, for those of you with a savoury tooth, we've got sandwiches... For those of you without any teeth at all, we've got soup."

 

[peterblue]

Not an announcement, but the lady providing a trolley service on a TPE train offered among other things 'hangover cures and hangover starters!'

 

[PaulJ]

This the SouthEastern high speed service to St Pancras International calling at Ashford not International any more, Ebbsfleet nope again not International any more and Stratford never was International in the first place...

 

[peteb]

I remember hearing Ken Bruce on Radio 2 at the time reading a message from a listener who had recently been on a Cross Country train and heard the catering announcement along the lines of
" For those of you with a sweet tooth, we've got chocolate, for those of you with a savoury tooth, we've got sandwiches... For those of you without any teeth at all, we've got soup."

Ha ha might be the same bloke, he had a strong Bristol accent!!

 

[PlatformEdgeVT]

There are many videos on YouTube of a Southern Driver (nicknamed the WoOoOo Guy in many videos). In one of these, he advertises the 313: "we've got no toilets, no air conditioning, no first class and a trolley service of drinks and light refreshments will NOT be provided."

 

[Farigiraf]

Will try and find the link to the video (Having trouble right now as it's got quite a generic name), but I recently saw a video on Youtube of an East Coastway 171 going through every possible announcement in the system during a passenger service. At one point in time it was delayed by 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes at once as well as having an assortment of different animals on the line at the same time!

 

[Trainguy34]

Will try and find the link to the video (Having trouble right now as it's got quite a generic name), but I recently saw a video on Youtube of an East Coastway 171 going through every possible announcement in the system during a passenger service. At one point in time it was delayed by 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes at once as well as having an assortment of different animals on the line at the same time!

I vaguely remember that video, will have a look.

 

[pokemonsuper9]

I vaguely remember that video, will have a look.

This one

The comments are full of similar stories, plenty on trains but a number on planes too.

 

[Farigiraf]

This one

That's the one mentioned upthread, but the one I was recalling went to Ashford International.

 

[pokemonsuper9]

That's the one mentioned upthread, but the one I was recalling went to Ashford International.

This one? Never seen it before but managed to find it.
Edit: Just watched through this, I've not laughed this hard for a while

 

[Farigiraf]

This one? Never seen it before but managed to find it.
Edit: Just watched through this, I've not laughed this hard for a while

That's the one!