Oh my passengers, how I have missed you

[mumrar]

I've just returned to work after one of the most stressful leave periods I can ever remember! To cut down on the boring details, moved house, need TOTALLY stripping and redecorating throughout including floors, my wife's heavily pregnant and we have a live wire 3 year old boy!!!

Anyway, so today I get to come back to work and play trains, which I looked forward to far more than usual. My first duty is the 13:22 New St-Stansted and it's almost as if I've had passengers ready picked to amuse me and welcome me back.

'I need a return ticket please'
'Where to?'
'To town' - give me strength lol

'Roughly how long will this train be?'
[gruff voice]'two carriages'
'Oh, you think you're funny do you?'
'Well, I do try not to fly in the face of public opinion' - with thanks to Ben Elton and Richard Curtis for this line, and also Rowan Atkinson for showing how to deliver it so devistatingly.

Whilst at Stamford station
'What's the quickest way to get from here Peterborough?'
'Train......and luckily for you this one's going right now'

At March station
'If I ask you for a ticket, will you sell me one?'
'Why don't you ask me and find out?'

At Ely station
'Does this train go to Kings Cross?'
'No'
'Does it go anywhere in London?'
'It depends who you ask. If you ask an airline the answer is yes, if you ask me or any sane thinking person then the answer is no'

And my favourite, which I've had twice already today.......
'Do you know what time we'll get to [insert station]?'
'Yes, I do'

I am a helpful person, but I find it can be amusing for all parties to inject a bit of humour into pointing out either the inaccuracies or ambiguities of their questions.

 

[Lampshade]

 

[StoneRoad]

nice to be back at work (for a rest!)
or maybe not!

aren't pax wonderful?

*ducks for cover*

 

[mumrar]

nice to be back at work (for a rest!)
or maybe not!

aren't pax wonderful?

*ducks for cover*

In their own special way we love them. Only because they're quite bonkers though

 

[mickey]

And my favourite, which I've had twice already today.......
'Do you know what time we'll get to [insert station]?'
'Yes, I do'

I am a helpful person, but I find it can be amusing for all parties to inject a bit of humour into pointing out either the inaccuracies or ambiguities of their questions.

Thanks mumrar - you've given me a great laugh

I agree with your comments about humour livening up an otherwise uneventful day. Sadly though I have to take issue with the last one - unfortunately many conductors when asked have absolutely no idea about ETAs or any desire to find out, so we passengers regularly find ourselves asking with rather more hope than one might expect...

 

[Nym]

Yeah, pax are brilliant, especially airline pax of the likes of BY, KM, KL, AF, PK and ED that I have to deal with daliy

"Where are the gates?", "Theres a smoking area?", "Do you know where ______ is?"

 

[mumrar]

It seems yesterday wasn't a special one off train of witty questions and retorts. Today has started the same, as I was sat in my cab at 13:14 awaiting departure time of my train to Nottingham a lady came up to the open cab door-

'Are you the train to Nottingham?'
'I'm not, but as luck would have it I'm sitting on it'

This seemed to either whistle over her head, or she took the Queen Victoria approach to humour.

 

[ainsworth74]

'Are you the train to Nottingham?'
'I'm not, but as luck would have it I'm sitting on it'

This is my personal favourite so far

Keep up the good work mumrar!

 

[Flamingo]

I heard a good one today... Drunks being asked to leave 1st class:
Drunk: "I pay your wages"
Guard: "So what - I pay your benefits - we're even!"

 

[EM2]

'Are you the train to Nottingham?'
'I'm not, but as luck would have it I'm sitting on it'

A friend of a friend, who is a Southern guard, whilst waiting to depart from Bognor:
'Are you Victoria?'
'Only at the weekends. Normally I'm Nigel...'

 

[scotsman]

At York, with several Stewards at the door of a Maroon SRPS Mk1.

Her: Is this the train from London?
Me: No, which one are you after?
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Well, this is on the East Coast Mainline - there's a train from London every 30 minutes.
Her: Oh.....
Me: Are you after the Grand Central train?
Her: I don't know
Me: The one to Sunderland?
Her: I don't know, all I know is it's coming from London. And it's due in a few minutes.
Me: Platform 11, right there, (gestures at it), 2 minutes!

 

[atomicdanny]

I heard a good one today... Drunks being asked to leave 1st class:
Drunk: "I pay your wages"
Guard: "So what - I pay your benefits - we're even!"

I like that one, I would have used that for some of the customers I had where I used to work! (i.e. the drunk ones!)

 

[Ferret]

I heard a good one today... Drunks being asked to leave 1st class:
Drunk: "I pay your wages"
Guard: "So what - I pay your benefits - we're even!"

Quality! Absolute quality!

I've just had a Meldrew moment. A customer dropped his french fries all over the floor on the train I'm currently working. I waited a few minutes to see what he did, and as he chose to leave them on the floor, I elected to show him up.

'Excuse me sir, are you going to leave those fries on the floor for everyone to stand in?'

'Well, ummm, I suppose I could pick them up'

'Yes sir, that would be the right thing to do wouldn't it?'....

Cue smirks a plenty in the carriage as he got down on his hands and knees and retrieved them. Some people though - would they leave fries on the floor at home to be trodden into the carpet? Actually, don't answer that..........

 

[krus_aragon]

One from the world of retail:

What is your minimum spend by card?
A penny.

 

[oldrailman]

I love some of these comments. I always said when I worked at New Street that I could write a book of things pax say. I was guilty of the same type of comment years ago. My folks had moved to Cleethorpes (the station is right on the seafront), and as I boarded the train at Lincoln I asked the guard 'does this train stop at Cleethorpes?' Witty reply - 'If it don't, there'll be a hell of a splash!'

 

[HSTfan!!!]

too many people without a sense of humour these days mind

 

[mumrar]

A favourite older one for me, from the days when us New Street guards worked over on the dark side (Snow Hill services) was the queue of old dears at Moor St who always wanted the Shirley train.

One came up to me one day and asked 'Shirley?'
I replied 'I'm Matt, pleased to meet you' as I extended my hand for a shake.

Needless to say it whistled over her purple rinse, but I and a couple of others on the platform were amused by it.

 

[EM2]

It also reminds of the tale (probably apocryphal) of the wee Scottish lady who had never been out of her Highland village, until she had to go to Glasgow for a funeral. Her son (who knew of these things) accompanied her to the station, bought her ticket to Glasgow Central, then told her how to get to Queen Street.
'Now, Mam, when you get to Queen Street station, get in the line at the ticket window, and just do what the person in front does.'
So, she manages to get to Central, clinging on to her ticket for dear life. She manages to get to Queen Street and joins the ticket queue, listening very carefully to the lady in front,who says 'Maryhill, single'. The clerk tells her how much, she hands over the money and she walks off with a ticket and her change.
The old lady thinks 'Oh, that's easy!', strides up to the window and in a clear, confident voice says:






'Morag McLeod, married with two boys'

 

[Flamingo]

I heard one a while ago, from platform staff (who apparently got a bollocking over it):

Passenger: "Where can I leave my bags?"
Platform Staff: "I'm afraid you have to keep them with you, for security reasons you can't leave them unattended"
Passenger: "That's ridiculous, what about the elderly or disabled?"
Platform Staff: "I'm afraid we don't have anywhere you can leave them either"

Cue one stroppy e-mail to customer services.

 

[Ferret]

Snigger! Almost as good as the old line - 'I have two balls and neither of them are made from crystal'....

 

[jimrbrobinson]

Cust: Hello, I've lost touch with someone who was pretty old, and I'm not sure whether they're still alive or not. Would cemetery records be any help?
Me: Well, certainly, if they appear in the cemetery records then they're definitely dead.

or

Cust: I've been watching that Who Do You Think You Are programme and now I'd like to find where my great grandfather is, can you help?
Me: Certainly madam, where did you last see him and what does he look like?

I know they're not as funny as some of the others on here, but they genuine examples from today!

 

[scotsman]

In Aviemore Station Car Park: "Excuse me, can I park here?"
When the Guard let a kid have a look around the Guard's office: [Pointing to hand brake] "Do you know what that is?" "A steering wheel?"

 

[Aictos]

Had one yesterday, is there a train to Hertford East (from Hertford North)?
No, sorry the last train went 50 years ago but you can walk or get a taxi, here's a map with directions.

 

[CarterUSM]

One of my all time favourites though rather cheeky, heard at the barriers some years ago.......

Passenger- Have i missed the 0930 to Ayr?

Staff- No, we taped it for you.

 

[Welshman]

Two of my all-time-favourite corny ecclesiastical ones:-
TTI - "Tickets, please."
Smug Bishop - "Surely, my face is my ticket."
TTI - "Maybe so, but I'll still have to punch it."

and

TTI - "Tickets, please."
Absent-minded Bishop, frantically searching through pockets, bags, etc - " I can't find it."
TTI [feeling sorry for him] - "I trust you. It doesn't matter"
Bishop - "It does matter. I can't remember where I'm going"

 

[MidnightFlyer]

Two of my all-time-favourite corny ecclesiastical ones:-
TTI - "Tickets, please."
Smug Bishop - "Surely, my face is my ticket."
TTI - "Maybe so, but I'll still have to punch it."

and

TTI - "Tickets, please."
Absent-minded Bishop, frantically searching through pockets, bags, etc - " I can't find it."
TTI [feeling sorry for him] - "I trust you. It doesn't matter"
Bishop - "It does matter. I can't remember where I'm going"

Brilliant!



Up here, we never get anything like this, you get funny with people who use trains up here and you get a knuckle butty for your trouble!

 

[DescendingSadly]

Good way of getting a smack. No wonder staff assaults are on the rise.

 

[me123]

Here's another retail one from a few weeks back.

One of our eagle eyed customers noticed a new sign above aisle 4, stating simply "Polish". As soon as he saw it, the remarkably loud rant started. "F***ing poles, coming over and taking over the supermarkets, and stealing our jobs...". You know, the usual rant. I just couldn't help myself, and decided to go over and interject "Excuse me, sir, that's actually our shoe polish aisle. If you're looking for our international foods, they're located in aisle 25". I think he was too stunned to reply back (and also probably put off a bit by the people giggling in the background).

Another one I encounter surprisingly often: "Can I have £9.99 cashback, please?"

 

[wensley]

A personal favourite of mine:

Pax - Is there air con on this train
Guard in are you totally stupid voice: Yes, it's conditioning the air to warm
Guard walks off and leaves passenger with jaw touching floor

 

[TGV]

My favourite one was heard in Odeon cinema in Ayr (for real):

Irate customer: This coffee is awful - it's cold and tasteless, I queued for 10 minutes and paid £2 for this? And the service is poor, none of you care. I can get much better coffee and service for less money at Costa.
Odeon guy: Aye, but their films are sh*t.