Boris Johnson: jolly good luck old chaps, this election should be a doddle
Amber Rudd: Agreed.
Michael Gove: Yes. I have to say I am looking forward to seeing Tim Farron lose his seat.
Boris: Marxist loon.
Gove: No, Boris, it's Corbyn who's the marxist loon.
Boris: No, he's the mugwump.
Michael Fallon: Look, would the lot of you b***dy shut up, it's the exit poll now
Boris: ...
Rudd: Oh, dear god.
Gove: Oh, dear me. This is terrible. I'll have to start preparing my leadership bid now.
Gove: Any opinion, Boris?
Gove: Boris?
Philip Hammond: Timothy sent me onto the naughty step. Can I come off now? This is quite exciting.
Fallon: Exciting? It's quite clearly RUBBISH! Exit polls are always wrong, I'll just go on the BBC and say so.
Boris: Cheers Mikey, give those oleaginous supine carbon-masses Dimbleby and Kuenssberg a good telling off from me. Sorry everyone, had to go and get a Bloody Mary.
Gove: Rather fitting.
Rudd: Oh dear.
George Osborne: HAHAHA! Amber's f***ed!
Gove: Oiky? Who invited you back here?
Osborne: Shut up four eyes, how's life on the backbenches?
George Osborne was kicked from the group chat
Boris: My word. Five minutes with Ed Balls, and he's become a communist.
Anyway this whole exit poll thing is LUDICROUS - theres no way that Borises's public will have voted for that Marxist mugwump Corbyn. All that stuff we said about terrorism must have stuck.
Gove: Very well said Boris.
Boris: Cheers, Govey. Now what's important is that we keep this group chat strong and stable.
Hammond: Result for Newcastle Central is in. Labour win.
Boris: Obvs.
Hammond: Not such a bad performance as the exit polls made out.
Boris: Then it's simple! A good old Conservative landslide! Just what we always thought would happen.
Hammond: But all those extra Conservatives votes were just the old UKIP vote. and we didn't even get all of that.
Boris: ...
Phillip Hammond was kicked from the group chat.
Gove: That's better.
Hammond: Hello everyone, I'm back.
Boris: What are you doing here?
Hammond: Theresa made me an admin.
Boris: Dear oh dear. Actually, mentioning that, where is she?
Hammond: No idea.