Forum Jokes

[HMS Ark Royal]

With a few modifications, the Confederate States of America's national anthem because quite funny for those in the land of the White Rose

To Pubs in Yorkshire

Southern men the thunders mutter!
Northern flags in South winds flutter!
To pubs! To pubs! To pubs, in Yorkshire!
Send them back your fierce defiance!
Stamp upon the cursed alliance!
To pubs! To pubs! To pubs, in Yorkshire!

Advance the flag of Yorkshire! Hurrah! Hurrah!
In Yorkshire's land we take our stand, and live or die for Yorkshire!
To pubs! To pubs! And conquer peace for Yorkshire!
To pubs! To pubs! And conquer peace for Yorkshire

Fear no danger! Shun no labour!
Lift up rifle, pike, and saber!
To pubs! To pubs! To pubs, in Yorkshire!
Shoulder pressing close to shoulder,
Let the odds make each heart bolder!
To pubs! To pubs! To pubs, in Yorkshire!

Advance the flag of Yorkshire! Hurrah! Hurrah!
In Yorkshire's land we take our stand, and live or die for Yorkshire!
To pubs! To pubs! And conquer peace for Yorkshire!
To pubs! To pubs! And conquer peace for Yorkshire!

Swear upon your country's altar
Never to submit or falter--
To pubs! To pubs! To pubs, in Yorkshire!
Till the spoilers are defeated,
Till the White Rose's works completed!
To pubs! To pubs! To pubs, in Yorkshire!

 

[DasLunatic]

Fifty Shades of Train

'Screw me over' she said seductively
... so I told her to buy an Anytime Return from Manchester to London

'Hurt me' she begged.
... so I gave her a Penalty Fare.

Her fantasy was to be punished by a man in uniform
So she decided to use a young persons railcard even though she was 34

'I go both ways' she said,looking at me with a glint in her eye
'Not without a return ticket you don't madam' I told her

'I want you to take me to a place I've never been before' she begged
So we made an unscheduled stop at Ardwick.

Eyes wide, mouth open, she quivered with excitement as she went up and down the shaft.
It was her first time in the lift.

200th post

 

[swj99]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
_____________________

What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?

Yukanol Fukov.

 

[zuriblue]

There is a special place in Hull for the inventor of Autocorrect.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

There is a special place in Hull for the inventor of Autocorrect.

I do not find that funny at all

 

[341o2]

Once I went on a hiking holiday. I was advised to put on a clean pair of socks every day

by the end of the week, I couldn't get my boots on

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

once i went on a hiking holiday. I was advised to put on a clean pair of socks every day

by the end of the week, i couldn't get my boots on

I like it

 

[backontrack]

The Shard (with apologies to William Blake);

And did those feet, in Hillingdon,
Walk inside London's Turnham Green:
And was the Tory London Mayor,
On Buckinghamshire's pastures seen!

And did the cash, since moved offshore,
Shine forth upon the wealthy few?
And was the Walkie Talkie built,
Near the birth of HS2?

Bring me my Bow of burning gold:
To fire from the moral high ground:
Bring me my Spear: O clouds unfold!
The Cheesegrater's foundations found!

I will not cease from Mental Fight,
Nor will the Tory cuts be felt:
Until we have built the Shard,
In London's green & pleasant belt.

 

[miami]

I do not find that funny at all

True, Autocorrect isn't nearly that bad. Now people who talk at the theatre

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

True, Autocorrect isn't nearly that bad. Now people who talk at the theatre

I've been known to use that line myself

 

[90019]

There is a special place in Hull for the inventor of Autocorrect.

I do not find that funny at all

With only one vowel different, it can't be a coincidence.

 

[krus_aragon]

Did you hear about the boxer who went mad and stopped watching Sylvester Stallone films?

He was off his Rocky.

 

[PaxVobiscum]

An unitentional joke played on me:

At 10:01 this morning, I attempted to log in to the new "Patient WiFi" service in a Glasgow hospital outpatient clinic.

Nothing happened for 61 minutes, then this came up:

("Sorry! Your network should be enabled within a minute or two...")

I'm not that patient.

 

[backontrack]

How a basher thinks

Here are some phrases, followed by the reaction of a normal person, then that of a rail enthusiast.

Phrase: "3, 2, 1..."
Normal person: "...we have lift off!"
Enthusiast: "...dusty bin! Ooh, look, it's another winner!"


Phrase: "It's a milkfloat!"
Normal person: "I didn't know Britain still had milkmen."
Enthusiast: "Really? It's probably a drag movement."


Phrase: "Mornington Crescent!"
Normal person: "Ha ha, I love that game..."
Enthusiast: "Grrr...pesky Mornington Crescent...I need that shack..."


Phrase: "Liverpool are playing a 4-4-2 formation."
Normal person: "Hmm. Two up front? Bit risky."
Enthusiast: "What? 442s have never reached Liverpool!"


Phrase: "Let's get the tram!"
Normal person: "We'll have to buy a ticket first."
Enthusiast: "Erm...which tram? Do you mean M5000, Supertram or an HST?"


Phrase: "It takes two to tango."
Normal person: "Not Strictly Come Dancing again."
Enthusiast: "Eh? Are they referring to a Northern Rail Duo Ticket?"


Phrase: "Shark attacks; surfers injured."
Normal person: "I thought those were meant to be quite rare."
Enthusiast: "I just did Newton for Hyde!"



That was tongue-in-cheek, obviously. But it's probably true. :P

 

[ert47]

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow! As I an currently single, I will be getting into the spirit of things by acting passive aggressive towards all people I see in pairs, and I will also destroy all calendars and diaries I come across as they have more dates than I well ever have.

 

[zuriblue]

A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race!

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race!

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning!

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest
was. Confronting him, he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!”

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “You're not Catholic are you my son?”

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."

 

[Minilad]

'The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record store

...and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."

The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

 

[swj99]

What separates men from animals ?

Divorce.

 

[deltic1989]

Bloke comes home with a duck under his arm. He says "Look this is the pig I have to sleep with when you're not up for it"
"That happens to be a duck" His wife replies
Without missing a beat our hero comes back "I happen to be talking to the duck"

**********************************************

A fella has 3 daughters, all about 16, named Flo, France and Luck.

There is a knock at the door, the Father opens it to see a young man standing there.

"I'm Joe and I've come to take Flo to the show. Can she go?"

Flo appears and off they trot.

5 mins later there is another knock, and Daddy opens up to see another young man.

"I'm Vance and I've come to take France to the dance. Any chance?"

And of the go into the night.

Another 5 mins passes, and there is another knock. A third young man is at the door.

"My name's Chuck"

"I think you better go home" Says the Dad.

 

[brianthebrain]

What do you do if you see a space man?



Park your car, man.

 

[341o2]

Mick comes to see Pat. no reply from the house, he sees a light in the barn.

Pat is in frount of his Massey Ferguson shirt unbuttoned to the waist, gyrating his hips like Elvis

"What are ye doin?"
"Well," replies Pat, "Me and the missus haven't been doin' too good in the bedroom of late and someone suggested I might try doing something sexy to a tractor!"

 

[zuriblue]

What qualifications do you need to become a refuse collector?

None. You just pick it up as you go along.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

The heads of the RAF, the Army and Navy are at a dinner and the heads of the Army and Navy pay tribute to the RAF calling it the cinderella of the services. After that, the head of the RAF stands up...

"Well" he said "I don't know much about Cinderella except she had two ugly sisters"

 

[swj99]

Don't know if this was someone's idea of a joke, but I had to laugh....

It's not made up, I actually got this just now, trying to access this site.

 

[Techniquest]

I've been getting the same tonight, which is odd...

 

[backontrack]

I wish I was able to use the subjunctive...

 

[zuriblue]

I was surprised at the strength of Canada's Health and Safety legislation.

A mate of mine went over there to train as a lumberjack. During the training he was told that under no circumstances would he be allowed to work on his own but he must have 2 colleagues present at all times. He queried this and the authorities confirmed that Canadian law only permitted lumberjacks to work in trees.

 

[AndrewE]

Paddy says to Mick "I don't think I'll be going on holiday again."

"Why's that then?"


"Well, you see, tree years ago I went on holiday and me wife got pregnant,

2 years ago I went on holiday and me wife got pregnant,

last year I went on holiday and me wife got pregnant again,


so maybe I'll stay at home with her this year!

 

[Welshman]

The scene is the 1960s.

Fred calls at Susie's home to take her out for the night.

"She's not quite ready" says Susie's mum. "Come in for a cup of tea while you're waiting"

Fred settles down on the couch.

"What are you doing tonight?" asks Susie's mum.

"Well" says Fred, "I thought we'd go for a coffee and perhaps a walk down by the river"

"You know, she just loves to screw" says Susie's mum.

"I beg your pardon?" says a surprised Fred.

"She just loves to screw", Susies's mum repeats. "She'd do it all night if she could."

"Oh" says Fred, rapidly changing his plans.

An hour later, Susie returns home, hair dishevelled, clothing disarrayed.

"It's 'TWIST', Mother" she shouts. " 'TWIST' is the name of the dance I love. 'TWIST!' "

 

[cjp]

Dear Marge,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.

I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.

I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night.

We sleep in separate beds because he's always telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and ugly face turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him?

Your advice would be appreciated.

Mad as Hell



Dear Mad as Hell,

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP!

Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady!

Remember ... you're running for President of the United States, so try acting like it!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward i'nit?"

"Not really," he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive B******."