HUMOR: TV rail channel schedule version 2!

[heart-of-wessex]

Hello all,

Back in 2006 I made a parody TV listing, for a fictional Railway channel using rip off's of current programs. The original is still on here in the archives!
It went down pretty well, so I thought I'd make a more up-to-date listing, with a bit of RailUK light humor.

Don't take it all seriously, it's just for fun

0000 - Night news with Phil Slayer NOTE this program is diverted to Channel 5 due to essential overnight
engineering work.
Schedules from 0100 to 0600 will be cancelled due to the works
0600 - The Breakfast Bap with FGW The news where you are, followed by the Heads Out Weather Gen
0730 - Gensheet News of upcoming diversions and crossovers in use. Hosted by Bill Gensheet
0800 - Tuggington Kid's favorite Class 60's are back for more adventures from Toton.
0830 - Basil Brush There's a mystery about as 47474 is seen everywhere causing the classmates to wonder if there's
more than one.
0900 - The Only Way Is Norwich A reality program looking into the lives of those working at Crown Point depot.
1000 - Top Notch Jeremy Clarkson test drives the new Class 700 series, James May looks at the new Class 387, and
Richard Hammond takes a Pacer for a bashing.
1100 - Judge Rinder Mike takes on Northern over a £2 fare, as the TVM only accepted cards. Also, the RailUK team
take on Southern for not accepting Southern fares on their Gatwick Express.
1200 - Bargain Hunt The team are out to find the cheapest return from York to London.
1300 - Flog it People attempt to sell Railwayana at the Railway Auction in Crewe.
1400 - Two in a bed Two teams are out to find out if the FGW and Caledonian sleeper is value for money.
1500 - Peak Practice Jeremy takes a look at the recently restored 45149 at the GWSR.
1530 - Undercover Boss David Statham goes to the shopfloor and tries to uncover why there are problems with
Southeastern
1630 - Watchdog In today's program, Matt Allwright looks into the issues with Southern tickets not being accepted
on Gatwick Express services. Chris Hollins looks at the situation regarding ticket inspectors at Manchester Piccadilly.
1730 - Cowboy TOC's Melinda Messenger and Dominic Littlewood investigate rip-off operators.
1800 - 1800 hours news with Ruth and Phil Viewers in Wales will have the 1800 hours news with Glyn. 1830 - local
news with Heads Out weather gen
1900 - Great British Railway Journeys 5/8 London to Brighton. In episode 5, Michael portillo contiues his travels
on a Southern DaySave and takes a Gatwick Express from London to Brighton but get's caught en-route to Gatwick with an
invalid ticket
2000 - Amazing Locos: Shed of the Year George Clarke looks at the various Class 66's from various TOC's, looking for the most efficient and cleanest loco to win shed of the year.
2100 - FILM: Night at the Museum 4 A night secuirty guard at the NRM discovers the museum pieces become alive and escape the museum onto the mainline.
2300 - Agatha Christie's Marple Mysterious murders happen at Rose Hill Marple.
0001 Shutdown for overnight engineering works. Service resumes at 0600.


Anyone wishing a future edition I'll see what I can do!


James.

 

[FQ]

It definitely had me laughing!

 

[bussnapperwm]

We are sorry to announce that the 1730 program, Cowboy Tocs, has been Cancelled. This is due to a Late Running Preceding Program

 

[Dennis]

Meanwhile, on Channel 613 (Sky 136) you'll find this;

7.00 Good Moaning Britain
Presented by Alexander Dennis, includes scrolling updates programmed in several months ago which bear no resemblance to what’s really happening in the world.

8.25 Weather
Live weather report from a bus stop near you.

8.30 The Twirlies
Comedy featuring pensioners who always turn up too early. In todays episode, Gladys spends 28 minutes searching for a £2.30 fare before being offered a free ride.

9.00 Gardners World
Alan Titmarsh demonstrates how to change the oil in a 6XLB engine.

10.00 Panorama
A repeat of last nights program speculating on the future of Plaxton coach builders.

10.45 The buggy brigade
Cartoon series featuring Chantelle and her friends. Today, the young mums head to Iceland to try and find Peter.

11.00 Loose luggage
Three older ladies discuss the merits of not wearing a bra whilst embarrassing star guest Bova Setra

12.00 Café lives
Docudrama featuring the goings on at a bus station eaterie in Newcastle. In todays episode, Ant and Dec pay a visit and are not impressed by the soggy chips and cheap sausages on offer.

12.58 Weather update
A look out the window to see if it is still raining.

13.00 News
Wallace Arnold presents news from around the world including live updates (if they work)

13.30 Traveline
Is this still going?

13.45 Antiques roadshow
Fiona Bruce travels to Birmingham to bash some of the more rateable vehicles still running.

14.30 Film – Leyland National 2
Follow on to the award winning ‘Leyland National’, starring front radiator grilles.

16.00 Top of the pops 3
Presented by Steve Wright. Featuring mainstream hits from The Crusaders, StreetLite, Eclipse and ones you can’t remember such as the dire Handybus.

16.45 Africa Live
Terry Nutkins goes out searching the plains of Leyland for Lions, Tigers, Lynxes ends up stumbling across some Panther cubs.
16.50 Bertie bus
Cartoon spin-off from Thomas the Tan Engine

17.10 On the buses
1970s sitcom featuring randy busmen and their inspector. Warning, tonights episode has already been repeated 6132 times.

17.30 Rush hour
Live reports from bus lanes around the country.

17.45 World championship darts final
Mini Pointer takes on ‘super’ Low Floor at Frimley Green bus station. Commentary by Tony Greenline and Sid Waffel.

18.30 In concert
A solo concert by Optare, filmed last year at Sherburn in Elmet. The band really excel in this concert, featuring up-tempo hits such as Spectra, Star-rider and Mitrocity. Only flaw, too many verses in Alero. Special guests include DAF, Nabi and Ashok.

19.15 Coach trip
48 old people go for a day out at Woburn Abbey but there is drama when one cannot make it downstairs to thetoilet after too many cups of tea.

20.00 The Apprentice
Young Gary has to change the wiperblades on an ADL Enviro 400 but his supervisor is on holiday. Find out how he copes.

20.45 Holiday 2015
Presented by Ed Shearings, who finds Malta has gone downhill over recent years, finding the place littered with plastic.

21.30 Live athletics
Live from Glasgow, features the 100m dash to catch the last service back.

22.15 Atlantis
The Titans and Olympians have a Javelin fight with the Atlanteans following the discovery of a rare surviving red arrow.

23.15 Service shutdown
Because the council has cut funding for anything later.

 

[D365]

Class 442 lotto?

Tugginton - now that's Peak

 

[GatwickDepress]

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest: Minor royals take a hot air balloon with up for a bird's eye view of the former line between Polegate and Eridge. Tonight's episode takes a tangent as the former Hellingly asylum line is discussed.

 

[dave12435]

Hmmm Doctor Who - pulled the emergency cord?
Man that was lame and I know it

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

9.00 WHORES - the West Highland Office of Railway Enthusiasts examines what happens when 37s make an appearence

 

[Drogba11CFC]

22:35 Scream 5 - The family from hell, including six month old Dwayne, turn up in the first class quiet coach on the Highland Chieftain.

 

[heart-of-wessex]

ROFL!! Those two last ones! !!

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

ROFL!! Those two last ones! !!

Thank you...

10.45pm Greatest Suicides: John and Lucy attempt to catch trains with only a minute's connection time between them

 

[backontrack]

Meanwhile, on the crime channel...

RPI: Crime Scene Northern : Tonight, the team face a weekly commuter to Leeds who is charged with not using the available TVM at Shipley. Continues Thursday.

Cuff(ley)s: Ryan and Jake deal with a man suspected of forging a carnet ticket, while the team struggle with some Delay Repay forms.

Tomorrow evening: Byelaw & Order

(I don't watch these shows, but I thought they'd make funny names and concepts.)

 

[EM2]

Don't forget Where Do You Think You Are?.
This week, join Pete Waterman as he retraces bashing trips from his youth.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

8.00pm SLUT: The South London Underground Transit team discover that they are under threat of redundancy and have to work together to keep their jobs

 

[Galvanize]

CSI Marylebone: A day in the life of the Chiltern Railways revenue protection staff as they go about their duties both on the stations, and on the trains. As a bonus, get to see Class 68s on the Blue and Grey "Banbury" mk3 set.

Underground Ernie: It's Ernie's nightmare shift, as he has to cope with the North London Football Derby at his station!

The Apprentice: Lord Sugar sets the task for two teams to create and run their own open access TOC. But for somebody...the train will be terminating at the next stop!

Class 101: Using a preserved Class 101 as a studio, contestants get to decide what places on the railway they would like to send the Class 101 to, as opposed to playing objects metaphorically into Room 101.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

8.45am: SLAGs - South London Action Group exposes the failure of no wheelchair access in certain locations

 

[Dennis]

17.00, Coach trip

- the rail replacement bus is back in town.

 

[Zamracene749]

Really Strictly come dancing- where contestants are eliminated if they leave the dancefloor early, or take a break during the 1st dance (although it's ok on the return dances afterwards)

Farming Outlook- A special feature about tractors in rural Cumbria.

Pet Rescue- Watch in horror as a man risks getting his jacket dusty whilst saving a young dogs life, under the watchful eye of a driver in a stationary train that is blocking the line mere metres away.

Great Continental Railway Journeys- Showing millions of everyday folk in Europe using uncomplicated ticketing systems, whilst employing common sense when crossing tracks.

Feature Film- Runaway Train II. In this worrying sequel, the action moves from the wild west of the USA to the Wild West Coast Rail Steam drivers of the UK...
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Meanwhile, over on Dennis's channel 613 we have two classic films-

Blazing saddles- featuring Citaro and Temsa drivers across the UK.

A Bridge Too Far- Stagecoach Fife wonder how to retain the market into Edinburgh, whilst Scotrail help by not finding extra carriages that don't exist anyway....

 

[backontrack]

ATOC Cup Football: SWT vs GWR
Pressure has been mounting on South West Trains to replace their manager, Tim 'Shoveller' Sherwood, and the chairman, Brian Souter, does not have the fans' support. Meanwhile, the Paddington club, which was wound up after entering administration due to a costly stadium rebrand with FirstGroup, has returned after entering fan-and-shareholder (mostly shareholder) ownership. Your commentators are Guy 'Melton' Mowbray and St Johns Motson.

Barkingside Premier League Football: Serco vs Keolis
After an embarrassing loss last weekend to Arriva, Serco have enraged fans after a suggested move to a new stadium in Oban. Keolis also lost last week, in the Capital Connect Cup against noisy neighbours TPExpress. They come to Fort William with something to prove. Your commentator is Jonathan Piers Head.

 

[Clip]

Women in Steam : An hour long documentary on how well women have adapted to using steam powered appliances showcasing everything from the kettle to the iron.














Oops, that's for the Misogynist channel 546

 

[backontrack]

FILM: Batman (buys a) Return
The Joker is back, and this time he has a plan - to stop HS2 before it can reach Birmingham. Batman will fight him in the West Midlands - provided he can find his way out of the refurbished Batcave.
Runtime: Should be finished by 2025.

 

[Mojo]

Weekend Kitchen
Staff and customers of rival Train Operating Companies battle it out to see who really provides the best service in First class at the weekend. Watch and see if Ben can ensure that customers on his Pendolino don't get a cheeky second cup of tea. Our reporter finds out if it's possible to stave off hunger by only eating biscuits and miniature bags of crisps. And is it game over for East Coast when the lounge at Leeds has to unexpectedly close early?

 

[backontrack]

FILM: Local Train Hero
When the rich chairman of a large company sends a representative to the sleepy village of Fort William in order to replace it with a new terminus at Oban, the representative falls in love with the place. Comedy-drama, with Peter Riegert and Burt, er, Lancaster.

 

[plymothian]

Spare trains in the attic
2 teams go on the look for all those spare trains we all know TOCs have lost in the depot and don't put on to ease overcrowding.

FILM: An Inspector Calls (1954)
A mysterious RPI arrives on a late night train and sets off a chain of events that lead to surprising revelations for those who think late night trains are free.

Catchphrase
Three contestants try to guess the delay excuse with help from Mr Chips.

The Bill part 4/4
Final of a 4 part episode looking at GWR Pullman Dining.

Only Connect
You only have 5 minutes, and must buy a ticket at the earliest opportunity.

 

[tsr]

And coming up on Countdown, can the duty station manager of Lewisham manage to rearrange the suburban stations of the Southeastern network into the correct order before the board says "Arrived"*?

*Bonus points will be awarded if the board says "Arrived" but the train is still at Albany Park due to a mixup in the SSOs given to drivers at Dartford

 

[backontrack]

FILM: The Muppets' Christmas Carol
Festive family fun, starring Tim O' Toole, Charles Horton and Alex Hynes. Directed by Patrick McLoughlin.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

FILM: An Inspector Calls (1954)
A mysterious RPI arrives on a late night train and sets off a chain of events that lead to surprising revelations for those who think late night trains are free.

:P

 

[RepTCTC]

Big Bang Theory - Leading figures from the worlds of science and engineering offer possible explanations as to why the Pacer on which they are travelling has stopped.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Big Bang Theory - Leading figures from the worlds of science and engineering offer possible explanations as to why the Pacer on which they are travelling has stopped.

Hate: Follow the lives of the people that hate classes 142, 143 and 144 as they are interned on the Isle of Man

 

[tsr]

From tonight, Great British Ache Off begins, with a showdown between contestants in their first challenge: who can make the least-comfortable seat for a Desiro City? The Spanish candidate takes inspiration from a hotel ironing board found in a Travelodge on the outskirts of Bedford.

 

[341o2]

A Bridge Too Far- Stagecoach Fife wonder how to retain the market into Edinburgh, whilst Scotrail help by not finding extra carriages that don't exist anyway....

--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

Big Bang Theory - Leading figures from the worlds of science and engineering offer possible explanations as to why the Pacer on which they are travelling has stopped.

even better