Top Tips (Enter at Your Own Risk)

[table38]

Holiday makers on Liverpool Lime Street to MIA services, leave your bags blocking the doors so that nobody can get on or off the train...

Heh, that also applies to squaddies boarding westbound Friday night TPX trains, just pile all your bags against the right-hand sets of doors because they are never used. Manchester Piccadilly Platform 14 is a figment of your imagination!

 

[WelshBluebird]

Passengers on LHCS, please by all means when boarding or leaving a train just leave the door open behind you, the guard will really appreciate having to run up and down the platform closing them.

Even as a passenger that one gets me.
I always try to shut the door if I am leaving / getting on a HST (and no one is following behind me), yet the looks you get sometimes are amazing (as if to say why the hell is he doing that).

 

[swj99]

A hollowed out toffee apple makes an ideal crash helmet for when you fire mice out of a catapult to relieve boredom whilst on broken down trains.

Mrs Ramitupyourramparts.
Devon.

 

[deltic1989]

If you don't like children then a summer Saurday train to the coast is not for you, however if you insist on travelling on such a service please don't be suprised if there are one or two restless children.
If you do come across a restless child then please feel free to throw the parent of said child a dirty look and mutter about them being a bad parent and that social services shpuld take away thier child.
Under no curcumstances should you consider that it is a hot day and the child is hot and thus restless.

Also if you are a Gordon Gecko type business man, it is perfectly ok to hog 2 seats when a heavily pregnat woman is standing next to you. when asked if you would kindly give up your seat for said woman, reply that she is too young to be carrying a baby and that she can stand as punishment for being a w*ore, and always act suprised when the womans partner offers to settle your grievence with her condition off the train at the next station.

 

[Welshman]

Our train conductors and ticket inspectors just love to study the routing guide at every available opportunity, so please ensure you always make the most obscure journeys possible.

And if you've forgotten your sunglasses and it's a sunny day, rest assured that the orange/brown tint with which Northern have considerately glazed their windows will prevent any harmful rays getting through.

Finally, if you are lonely and want to meet more people, why not try one of our specially short-formed peak hour trains?

 

[The Barlow Boy]

Conductors,
We passengers love hearing non-stop announcements so after the automatic one has droned on about how we are now approaching Victoria and telling us not to forget our personal belongings (what other sort are there?) get on the manual P.A. system and tell us the same all over again.

 

[AlexS]

Dear Mr Angry Business Commuter,

The instructions above the train door stating 'wait for the door unlocked sign to appear, then lower the window and open the door with the outside handle' are for other, less important people. You must wrench the door as hard as possible as the train slows to a stand in the platform. You gain a rebate on your travel ticket if you wrench it so hard that you subsequently break the door/it's locking mechanism and therefore cause a delay to the train's journey.

 

[SS4]

When getting on/off the train feel free to immediately stop. Ignore anyone behind you, they're just jealous and wish they'd thought of the idea, if anyone collides they ought to have kept their braking distance - it's in the highway code after all. Bonus points if someone behind is carried to the next station because of you blocking the exit.

iPad users, feel free to show the world your superior status by mentioning the fact you have an iPad at least every ten seconds in every conversation and showing it to anyone and everyone who walks past. It is also your duty to tell everyone who doesn't have one how they're missing out and consequently how superior you are to such a philistine rabble.

 

[LE Greys]

Now is a great time to go photting at Stratford! Nobody will mind you hanging about the station with a camera.

Dear Mr Angry Business Commuter,

The instructions above the train door stating 'wait for the door unlocked sign to appear, then lower the window and open the door with the outside handle' are for other, less important people. You must wrench the door as hard as possible as the train slows to a stand in the platform. You gain a rebate on your travel ticket if you wrench it so hard that you subsequently break the door/it's locking mechanism and therefore cause a delay to the train's journey.

Dopey passengers,

HST doors are just like the ones on the Tube, they open by magic!

 

[Welshman]

Our on-train toilets are free of charge, so it follows that if you spend the whole journey in the toilet, that will also be free of charge.

The ticket inspector may hammer on the door, but, rest assured, he is just enquiring after your health.

Just reply, "Oh do go away, my good man" and he will trouble you no further.


*****

Our booking-office clerks have been intensively trained in the latest mind-reading techniques, and love to test eachother in their lunch-breaks.

So you need to emit only one word, eg "Bradford", and they will immediately know whether you want a single or a return, first or standard, with railcard or not, etc, etc. In fact, so sure are we of this, that if they fail to produce the ticket you require after two attempts, your journey will be completely free of charge.

 

[12CSVT]

Our booking-office clerks have been intensively trained in the latest mind-reading techniques, and love to test eachother in their lunch-breaks.

So you need to emit only one word, eg "Bradford", and they will immediately know whether you want a single or a return, first or standard, with railcard or not, etc, etc. In fact, so sure are we of this, that if they fail to produce the ticket you require after two attempts, your journey will be completely free of charge.

And presumably he'll be expected to know whether you mean Bradford (Yorkshire) or Bradford on Avon ?

 

[Welshman]

And presumably he'll be expected to know whether you mean Bradford (Yorkshire) or Bradford on Avon ?

Of course!

 

[Cruithne3753]

Office workers: When opening envelopes, there is a real danger that the letter opener blade can overheat if you open too many letters one after the other in quick succession. To avoid this, you must put it down between opening EVERY envelope. Also, the excess heat can be dissipated acoustically by clanging it down on the desk as loudly as possible. This is especially effective when opening 60 envelopes or more.

 

[SS4]

A train is always the same temperature as the ambient temperature outside. This means on no account should you open a window or take your coat off. If it feels hotter inside it's a figment of your imagination.

That one happens to me every winter, it can be sweaty and hot as anything but nobody opens a window to let cool, fresh air in.

 

[pdq]

Passengers using the coach B toilet on a 185: leaving the sliding door open when you leave will allow those sitting nearby to appreciate fully the fragrant aroma eminating as a result of your labours.

 

[Dennis]

Travelling first class? Avoid that awful moment when you've been to the toilet for a number 2 and realise there is no toilet paper, always take your antimacasser with you.

 

[Butts]

Travelling first class? Avoid that awful moment when you've been to the toilet for a number 2 and realise there is no toilet paper, always take your antimacasser with you.

With the dimensions of some I fear they would not be up to the "job in hand"-that would probably be the outcome

 

[Harbon 1]

That's right, large woman with a bmx on a wedged 170, if after missing your stop because of those idiotic people that could obviously make a path or you from the first class bit to the door, repeatedly yank on the guards door and shout "stop the f***ing train and open the doors" will make the guard stop the train in the middle of nowhere. Although the guard should have opened them and let her fall out, just for a laugh

 

[snail]

That one happens to me every winter, it can be sweaty and hot as anything but nobody opens a window to let cool, fresh air in.

Always check for open windows on a cold day and make sure you sit or stand in a part of the train ahead of them to save being blasted by draughty cold air. Cough.

 

[Butts]

Never engage in a pointless discussion about the merits of permitting smoking on open areas of station platforms with an ill informed East Coast flunkey at Darlington.

"It is illegal to smoke in any part of any station in the UK"

 

[Dennis]

Don't waste money on expensive diesel railtours!!

Buy a 1994 Ford Mondeo TDi, leave it running on the drive while you down a few cans and bellow insults out the front window to passers-by. Do this with a few mates from 5 AM to 11 PM for best effect.

 

[Harbon 1]

Don't waste money on expensive diesel railtours!!

Buy a 1994 Ford Mondeo TDi, leave it running on the drive while you down a few cans and bellow insults out the front window to passers-by. Do this with a few mates from 5 AM to 11 PM for best effect.

Also, add some others with big cameras around the car, fighting it out for that added authenticness

 

[trentside]

Remember, when uploading your videos to YouTube, regardless of the length of the clip you should add a loud and flashy introduction that promotes your channel and films - this should preferably be at least a minute in length.

 

[CC 72100]

Remember, when uploading your videos to YouTube, regardless of the length of the clip you should add a loud and flashy introduction that promotes your channel and films - this should preferably be at least a minute in length.

And remeber to stick '*RARE - MUST WATCH*' at the start, even if it's something completely normal, like say a class 70 on fire or something :P

 

[NLC1072]

And presumably he'll be expected to know whether you mean Bradford (Yorkshire) or Bradford on Avon ?

Common one is "a ticket to Liverpool", when they mean London Liverpool Street, for which you ask the relevant questions i.e. "is that via Euston?" (which it obviously is but I just want to double check they mean Merseyside) and they say yes to it all and are obviously not listening, so get tickets to Liverpool instead.

Or not as common but still I've had a few; "I'd like a ticket please" Me: "where to?" Customer: "where do you think?" Me: "Edinburgh?"
From a ticket office somwhere in the southeast...

 

[60163]

Need a wee at Tyseley station? By all means do it in that enclosed area on platform 3/4. The smell just completes the experience.

If the big yellow magic train happens to pause at your station, right in front of you, by all means attempt to board it. Every so often, Network Rail operate a special train just for you.

 

[12CSVT]

Common one is "a ticket to Liverpool", when they mean London Liverpool Street, for which you ask the relevant questions i.e. "is that via Euston?" (which it obviously is but I just want to double check they mean Merseyside) and they say yes to it all and are obviously not listening, so get tickets to Liverpool instead.

Or not as common but still I've had a few; "I'd like a ticket please" Me: "where to?" Customer: "where do you think?" Me: "Edinburgh?"
From a ticket office somwhere in the southeast...

I'd imagine the ticket offices at St. Pancras / Luton Airport / Parkway / Luton / Bedford have this problem when people ask for Loughborough, as these stations serve both Loughborough (Leics) and Loughborough Junction.

Another one
Passenger "I'd like a return ticket"
Ticket clerk "Where to ?"
Passenger "back here"

 

[LE Greys]

I'd imagine the ticket offices at St. Pancras / Luton Airport / Parkway / Luton / Bedford have this problem when people ask for Loughborough, as these stations serve both Loughborough (Leics) and Loughborough Junction.

Another one
Passenger "I'd like a return ticket"
Ticket clerk "Where to ?"
Passenger "back here"

Or on the NNR

Me: Return to Holt, please
Clerk: But this is Holt
Me: :? hock: Er, return to Sheringham, please.

 

[Crossover]

Passengers waiting for services, it perfectly normal, ok and safe to sit and wait on the platform, with your legs over the edge of the platform (seen this afternoon on the Metrolink!)

 

[12CSVT]

Passengers waiting for services, it perfectly normal, ok and safe to sit and wait on the platform, with your legs over the edge of the platform (seen this afternoon on the Metrolink!)

Pedestrians in Manchester city centre - those tram tracks you keep walking over are just there for decoration. And if you come across a big yellow thing (or big white thing) franticly hooting at you, don't worry, it's only a figment of your imagination.