Top Tips (Enter at Your Own Risk)

[SETCommuter]

SOUTHEASTERN. Avoid paying any compensation to passengers by simply making up your punctuality figures and then adding another decimal place to your reported figures to ensure they beat the minimum target.


bitter ? me ? Never.

 

[LexyBoy]

Motorists: Afraid of car bombs? Simply park on the rails at your nearest level crossing and you'll easily be able to check under your car before getting in.

Train drivers: Make your passengers' days by arriving 15 minutes early at your destination. Simply miss out all intermediate stations.

Rail staff: Get a job at FCC. That way, when you go on strike nobody will notice.

Two flat bed wagons make ideal rollerskates for a giant.

 

[table38]

Got a wheely suitcase? Just carry it normally, but then stop after getting off the train, or right at the top or bottom of the stairs/escallator, and extend the handle.

This won't inconvenience anyone behind you at all as they are psychic and will be expecting you to just stop suddenly with no warning whatsoever :roll:

</rant>

 

[class156]

Scotrail: Please continue to tell passengers that they now travel in new, longer trains when they are travelling on a full 3 car 380 which previously would have been a 6 car 318/334.

 

[4SRKT]

Southeastern: why not move some of your most comfortable class 375s onto the Medway Valley line? By doing so you will be able to displace some 465s for use on the much longer distance Ashford > Maidstone > Victoria run? I'm sure the passengers on this will appreciate the harder and less comfortable seats because there is much less chance that they will doze off and miss their stop. I was certainly *delighted* to see a 465 on 14:47 Ashford > Victoria this afternoon.

 

[47245]

Chavs: Share your taste in music with the entire carriage by playing it at full volume because everyone loves 'In Da Club' by 50 Cent.

Saying you've swallowed your ticket is a perfect excuse that barrier staff at Exeter Central are sure to believe.

 

[OuterDistant]

East Midlands Trains. Solve overcrowding problems on 153s by introducing parking charges at stations between Derby and Crewe.

 

[60163]

National Rail Enquiries: I do love, oh so very much, the delightful surprise of finding a fare from BhamNS to Crewe has changed overnight, when I re-check my journey, from £9.50 to £23.

 

[LexyBoy]

Rail passengers: Save the hassle of buying Advance tickets in advance by turning up a few days later and asking for the ticket at the price you saw before.

 

[Michael.Y]

Passengers. Despite what the on-train displays and on-train announcements repeatedly say, please ask over and over when your station is every time a staff member goes past.

Passengers. Believe it or not, trains occasionally do go on to places after they've dropped you off.
Case in point:
"Is this the train to Chester?"
"Yes."
"Then why does it say Maesteg?"
"Because it goes there too."
"Why doesn't it say Chester?"
"Because it goes to Chester but then continues on to Maesteg."
"Well that's no use to me is it?"

 

[Dennis]

rail enthusiasts who insist on carrying around a huge wedge of old tickets, while away the hours by playing 'snap' with them.

 

[PaxVobiscum]

This will work best from this Friday (20/07/12) onward:
Scotrail customers - show your appreciation to staff on the last train home by offering them "a wee dram" from a full bottle of an expensive malt you brought with you specially for this purpose.

 

[Ivo]

rail enthusiasts who insist on carrying around a huge wedge of old tickets, while away the hours by playing 'snap' with them.

Sounds like a fun game for an RUK meet!

 

[VTPreston_Tez]

Southeastern, if you're running one minute late please remove nearly all the stops on the journey to London Bridge, if you're lucky you might hit the train in front.

Commuters, please hog the doors like a fat man stuck in a rat hole. It's very much appreciated in the mad scramble to get off London Midland trains at Bushey, Harrow & Wealdstone, and London Euston.

 

[Butts]

The latest onboard Scotrail announcement heard today......

"Business Class Seating is available at both ends of the Train for First Class Ticket Holders"

Eh.....delusions of grandeur or what ???? :roll:

 

[SS4]

When you've finished with your food and drink feel free to leave it on the table. The bins are there for decoration only

 

[ATW Alex 101]

Talking of which, when travelling merseyrail, beer cans, crisp and sweet packets and WKD bottles are to be disposed of on the floor as the bins were put there for fun

 

[HST Power]

rail enthusiasts who insist on carrying around a huge wedge of old tickets, while away the hours by playing 'snap' with them.

I've got a massive wedge of tickets but I've never thought of that!

"Business Class Seating is available at both ends of the Train for First Class Ticket Holders"

I quite fancy an introduction of Business Class as well as First, it might work quite nicely on East Coast. :P

 

[4SRKT]

I've got a massive wedge of tickets but I've never thought of that!



I quite fancy an introduction of Business Class as well as First, it might work quite nicely on East Coast. :P

Remember 'Silver Standard'?

 

[LE Greys]

On that, when it's overcrowded, it is OK to sit in first class no matter what ticket you hold (I was told that one by a WAGN driver would you believe)

 

[4SRKT]

Long distance passengers, when boarding a long train (a Pendolino for example), at a terminal station (Glasow Central for example), avoid any danger of the train leaving 25 minutes early by boarding with all your family, massive collection of luggage that would bankrupt you on Ryanair, pushchairs etc in coaches A and B and fighting your way through the rest if the pax without having to dirty your shoes on the filthy old platform.

 

[ATW Alex 101]

when leaving euston and your coach is at the far end of the platform, arrive 30 seconds before the departure time and run to the far end of the platform as the gangways between carriages are there because virgin felt like putting them there

 

[Ivo]

when leaving euston and your coach is at the far end of the platform, arrive 30 seconds before the departure time and run to the far end of the platform as the gangways between carriages are there because virgin felt like putting them there

Alternatively, board at the door nearest you and show no intention of moving further inside the vehicle, especially when busy. And show no foresight with regards to others getting on later by carefully positioning yourself in such a way that the area furthest from the latest stops is always blocked off, even though it is empty. These strategies work best on articulated buses with only one entrance, in which the section beyond the "bendy bit" may be empty but the driver is forced to leave people behind because (s)he can't see that with people blocking his/her view.

 

[2Dogbox]

Saturday Passengers: Make train doors magically open by staring with your mouth wide open transfixed by the doors in the same manner as one would stare at the door of a recently landed alien spacecraft. Whatever you do, do NOT press the illuminated button that says 'open'. And take no notice whatsoever of that mad person stood at the rear of the train shouting "press the button!" he's obviously on a day trip from some kind of institution.

Forgotten your I-pod ?? Don't worry as you can still enjoy music on your journey. Just make sure you sit next to a chavvy teenager who will be only to pleased to play their entire playlist of tinny rap music via a mobile phone to you and the entire carriage, making your journey fly by!

 

[CC 72100]

Saturday Passengers: Make train doors magically open by staring with your mouth wide open transfixed by the doors in the same manner as one would stare at the door of a recently landed alien spacecraft. Whatever you do, do NOT press the illuminated button that says 'open'. And take no notice whatsoever of that mad person stood at the rear of the train shouting "press the button!" he's obviously on a day trip from some kind of institution.

And those really strange trains with wind down windows: those handles are just for decoration. As soon as the train comes to a stop, they'll just fly open, honest.

(Reminds me an arrival at Swindon a couple of months back, with a bloke waiting to get off who would have gone on to Didcot had I not have asked him whether he was getting of here and told him how to open the door)

 

[4SRKT]

Whoever owns Hellifield station at any given time. Old magnigicent hulks of railway buildings do not need maintenance. It will be sufficient to give it a quick once over every 25 years or so, which wil be sufficient to give hope to those who use this station and those who love such structures, without any realistic chance of it not just falling down eventually.

 

[trentside]

Saturday Passengers: Make train doors magically open by staring with your mouth wide open transfixed by the doors in the same manner as one would stare at the door of a recently landed alien spacecraft. Whatever you do, do NOT press the illuminated button that says 'open'. And take no notice whatsoever of that mad person stood at the rear of the train shouting "press the button!" he's obviously on a day trip from some kind of institution.

And remember, when the person behind you reaches round you to press the magical glowing button, give them an evil look and then take an age to board the train. If boarding a train with internal doors, then repeat above process for each door as you walk through the train.

 

[gnolife]

Signallers; repeatedly switch trains from being about to arrive in platform 1 at Piccadilly to platform 12 - the commuters need the exercise!

 

[Dennis]

School leavers, always wanted to be a travelling chef with FGW?

Just board a Paddington bound train at Bristol and plug in your sandwich toaster, fill with bread and cheese and realise your ambition!

 

[507 001]

Passengers on LHCS, please by all means when boarding or leaving a train just leave the door open behind you, the guard will really appreciate having to run up and down the platform closing them.

Holiday makers on Liverpool Lime Street to MIA services, leave your bags blocking the doors so that nobody can get on or off the train, and then when the driver asks you to move them to the appropriate area look at him confused and let him move them himself, its not as if he has a train to drive or anything.

Man on railtour that I guarded recently, I've put signs asking you not to sit on that seat for the good of my health, not because its broken and you could be injured or anything. Then when I ask you (nicely) if you would like to move, bark "I'M FINE!" at me, I really enjoy being shouted at and will be happy for the rest of the day.

Woman who has left her phone on the train, run alongside whilst trying to open a door and jump on, causing me to pull the emergency brake, because its very sensible, won't result in injury or death and won't annoy the now delayed passengers!