1) Thou shalt walk whenever possible, but always from Charing Cross to Embankment.
2) Thou shalt have thine Oyster Card in thine hand when thou reachest the ticket barriers, and not stand there, rummaging through thine bag for five minutes, like a tool.
3) Thou shalt not consume fragrant foodstuffs or alcohol, unless thou art a vagrant.
4) Thou shalt attend to personal hygiene. In particular, if thou hast been wassailing heartily the night before, thou shalt take special care to brush thine teeth in the morning.
5) Thou shalt talk quietly, or not at all, on thine mobile phone when on the bus as nobody else wants to hear who Emma did last night or how much Liam spent on his sodding shoes. Furthermore, thou shalt endeavour to stop those who wish to share their choice of music on loudspeaker, even though thou risketh being stabbed till thou art dead.
6) Thou shalt not whistle.
7) Thou shalt not press the open button on tube doors as this is the mark of the tourist.
8 ) Thou shalt not duck, dive or bomb. And thou shalt most certainly not heavy pet.
9) If thou art not sure how to get off an escalator, or where to stand, thou shalt not get on it.
10) Thou shalt not wear darke glasses underground. Ye nobs.
11) Thou shalt pick up one of the readily available paper maps and study it such that thou knowest where the hell you're going before arriving at the station. If you're feeling flash, you can get lovely engraved metal ones which go nicely opposite thine Oyster card.
12) Paper tickets aren't cool any more. £3 deposit for a pre-pay Oyster card is worth it to stop me beating you in the back of the head while you fumble at the barriers with your crumpled cardboard relic.
13) If thou failest, by the smallest of margins, to reach the tube door before it shuts then thou shalt not tap on the window and asketh the person inside to open it again for you. As it worketh not that way.
Neither, therefore, shall thou look annoyed when that person raises an eyebrow & shakeths their head.
13) Thou shalt not look anyone in the eye.
14) Thou shalt not expose thine smelly armpit whilst reading thy copy of ye Telegraph. In actual fact, thou shalt readeth not ye broadsheet format newspapers upon ye tube.
15) Thou shalt move thy lazy ass into the the centre of the carriage when there are poor buggers still on the platform waiting to board.
16) When wearing ye olde iPod, thou shalt not put it on a volume which maketh the other passangers listen to a continuous "ntss ntss ntss ntss" for the duration of thy trip...
17) Thou shalt run like hell for an almost departing tube then tut when thou misseth it. Even though there is another in only 2 minutes.
