Refusing / accepting a gift

[Wilts Wanderer]

Our next door neighbours are moving away; they’ve had difficulty getting their sale through and its been stressful for them. In the last few weeks we’ve also had some urgent repair works done on our roof and due to the position of telephone poles/wires and power cables, the scaffolding supports had to be placed in their front garden (with their permission.)

The works are now complete, scaffolding gone and my wife picked out a nice bottle of gin as a thank you gift, knowing they like it. The husband by coincidence knocked on our door this morning asking if we could move our car up so he could park his van in a convenient spot, as they were clearing out their loft in advance of their move which is finally happening in a few weeks.

I remembered the gin and a few minutes later I popped round with it. The wife answered and to my surprise, with a ’face’ and attitude, said we shouldn’t have bothered and refused the gift. She literally left me standing there with it, astonished, wondering what we’d done.

I have absolutely no idea what the problem was, but are we right to be quite offended by that? We’ve always got on reasonably well and wished to part on good terms but tbh now I‘m just thinking ‘good riddance, you unpleasant cowbag!’ (A cynic would say we’ve got a nice bottle of gin to enjoy but that wasn't the point of getting it.)

Have other people had experience of offered gifts being declined, and is it as rude as it felt?

 

[birchesgreen]

Seems strange behaviour judging by the rest of your tale, maybe you just caught her at a bad time? Neighbour relations can be a complete minefield though.

 

[Cowley]

Our next door neighbours are moving away; they’ve had difficulty getting their sale through and its been stressful for them. In the last few weeks we’ve also had some urgent repair works done on our roof and due to the position of telephone poles/wires and power cables, the scaffolding supports had to be placed in their front garden (with their permission.)

The works are now complete, scaffolding gone and my wife picked out a nice bottle of gin as a thank you gift, knowing they like it. The husband by coincidence knocked on our door this morning asking if we could move our car up so he could park his van in a convenient spot, as they were clearing out their loft in advance of their move which is finally happening in a few weeks.

I remembered the gin and a few minutes later I popped round with it. The wife answered and to my surprise, with a ’face’ and attitude, said we shouldn’t have bothered and refused the gift. She literally left me standing there with it, astonished, wondering what we’d done.

I have absolutely no idea what the problem was, but are we right to be quite offended by that? We’ve always got on reasonably well and wished to part on good terms but tbh now I‘m just thinking ‘good riddance, you unpleasant cowbag!’ (A cynic would say we’ve got a nice bottle of gin to enjoy but that wasn't the point of getting it.)

Have other people had experience of offered gifts being declined, and is it as rude as it felt?

That is very strange behaviour and to me would more likely point at a problem with the way they are than your actions (obviously we only know what you’ve told us though).

Is it worth trying to catch a moment to talk to the husband privately if you get a chance? Or maybe it just isn’t worth it and you might be better off sitting on your doorstep drinking a glass of gin and waving them off into the sunset!

 

[Wilts Wanderer]

It makes me wonder if she’s been quietly seething about the scaffolding while being outwardly nice tbh. The firm were quite slow to remove it (works finished about 3 weeks ago, it finally went on Friday) but there’s nothing we could do about it, and they had given permission!

I guess you’re right, once they’ve moved who cares. I don’t like parting with someone on bad terms though. There are experiences from years ago that still wake me up at night with a sour stomach and stress.

 

[Cowley]

It makes me wonder if she’s been quietly seething about the scaffolding while being outwardly nice tbh. The firm were quite slow to remove it (works finished about 3 weeks ago, it finally went on Friday) but there’s nothing we could do about it, and they had given permission!

Three weeks isn’t that long. The guy we use can take two months sometimes!

I guess you’re right, once they’ve moved who cares. I don’t like parting with someone on bad terms though. There are experiences from years ago that still wake me up at night with a sour stomach and stress.

Yes I’m a bit similar. If there’s an issue with someone I’d always rather deal with it head on even if it does mean an awkward conversation at some point.

 

[Busaholic]

You don't say whether you are of Greek origin, but she may have put you down as a Greek bearing gifts. Why she should have done, you obviously have no idea nor, on the basis of what you've written do I, but I'd suggest something been's festering in her mind, and now it's come out. Given that moving house is often the most stressful thing that can happen rather than bereavement, my suggestion would be for you to put it behind you, remain on good if icy relations with your neighbours and wish them all the best, unsarcastically, if you happen to see them as they depart for the last time.

 

[takno]

Could the fact that it was alcohol have been an issue? I'm not sure how I'd react to it to be honest. I'd probably try to accept with good grace, but having a bottle of spirits around the house actually makes me feel quite uncomfortable these days, given that I know I'll end up blowing through it in one or two nights and that won't do my health a blind bit of good. When I do drink spirits, I really prefer to have something which I know I'll enjoy and won't drink irresponsibly.

 

[Cowley]

Could the fact that it was alcohol have been an issue? I'm not sure how I'd react to it to be honest. I'd probably try to accept with good grace, but having a bottle of spirits around the house actually makes me feel quite uncomfortable these days, given that I know I'll end up blowing through it in one or two nights and that won't do my health a blind bit of good. When I do drink spirits, I really prefer to have something which I know I'll enjoy and won't drink irresponsibly.

I’ll send you my address @takno, then you can send them onto me.

 

[Bevan Price]

Could the fact that it was alcohol have been an issue? I'm not sure how I'd react to it to be honest. I'd probably try to accept with good grace, but having a bottle of spirits around the house actually makes me feel quite uncomfortable these days, given that I know I'll end up blowing through it in one or two nights and that won't do my health a blind bit of good. When I do drink spirits, I really prefer to have something which I know I'll enjoy and won't drink irresponsibly.

Maybe one of them is trying to give up alcohol ?

 

[Wilts Wanderer]

It’s an interesting idea, doubt it’s the case but I would not have thought of that.

(And no, I’m not Greek, I’m a northern Yorkshireman )

 

[Ostrich]

Absolutely nothing wrong in giving a small gift of appreciation for services rendered. I've done so in the past and never had anything but a warm "thank you".
I'd have been pretty miffed if someone had reacted like your neighbour.

They're going, so if I were you, I'd simply leave it at that.

It would be far more awkward if they were staying ....

 

[takno]

Maybe one of them is trying to give up alcohol ?

Thinking about this further, I'm saying that I would be uncomfortable with it as a gift. Perhaps a third of my friends and family don't really drink at all and would have no use for it, and of the ones who do drink I'd say less then half of them ever drink gin. At best they'd accept it and then immediately just gift it on.

Perhaps the problem is that it's fundamentally very difficult to buy a gift for people you don't know that well, and it's even more difficult when they are in the process of trying to clear the house out and move. Much as gin has picked up in popularity over the last 20 years, strong alcohol in general isn't actually any more popular than smoking, and you wouldn't buy somebody a slab of B&H without checking that they smoked first.

Either way, not really worth stressing about. You went to a bit of effort which they can't complain about, and now you've got a nice bottle of gin to work through yourselves.

 

[Darandio]

Much as gin has picked up in popularity over the last 20 years, strong alcohol in general isn't actually any more popular than smoking, and you wouldn't buy somebody a slab of B&H without checking that they smoked first.

It says in the very first post that gin was chosen because it was known they like it.

 

[Whistler40145]

There's nowt so strange as folk

 

[takno]

It says in the very first post that gin was chosen because it was known they like it.

It does indeed, sorry I misread that bit. In which case it might be a slight awkward snobbery thing. I used to love a spot of whisky, but I wouldn't really know what to do if somebody bought me a bottle of Teachers.

 

[Wilts Wanderer]

You don't say whether you are of Greek origin, but she may have put you down as a Greek bearing gifts. Why she should have done, you obviously have no idea nor, on the basis of what you've written do I, but I'd suggest something been's festering in her mind, and now it's come out. Given that moving house is often the most stressful thing that can happen rather than bereavement, my suggestion would be for you to put it behind you, remain on good if icy relations with your neighbours and wish them all the best, unsarcastically, if you happen to see them as they depart for the last time.

This deserved a specific reply - a very sensible suggestion, thank you.

 

[Busaholic]

This deserved a specific reply - a very sensible suggestion, thank you.

My pleasure - glad to have been of service.

 

[al78]

Maybe one of them is trying to give up alcohol ?

In which case an appropriate response would be "Thanks for the offer but no thanks, we are trying to abstain from alcohol". Unnecessary to get the hump in response to an obvious expression of gratitude.

 

[takno]

In which case an appropriate response would be "Thanks for the offer but no thanks, we are trying to abstain from alcohol". Unnecessary to get the hump in response to an obvious expression of gratitude.

Yup, always something I want a good old natter about with the neighbours.