OK, enough of the frivolity. A serious question to all members.
You have been given control of the Northern franchise, and you have 3 years to change things around with the existing management, staff, and stock. What would you change, why and how would you enact these changes?
Okay, sticking within the parameters you've given (and not getting out a bland cheque to buy lots of additional 195s or electrifying more lines or whatever)...
1. Cut a number of frequencies and use the stock to enhance train lengths
2. Chop up a number of diagrams so that they are (more) self contained - i.e. remove the complicated muddle where a DMU will come into Leeds/Sheffield from one route and go out onto a separate route and therefore a delay on one route will cause a delay on other routes, causing cross-contamination and making it a lot harder to get the services back to schedule (that'll also make it easier to clean trains - they'll have sensible layovers at big cities rather than being rushed out onto the next service - improved reliability) << at the moment it's hard to clean trains because they don't have long enough at big stations (and it's not cost effective to have cleaning teams at termini that only have one or two trains terminating per hour)
3. Simplify the mess of cross-Manchester services. Simpler route maps (e.g. everything from Wigan goes to Victoria, everything from Chorley goes to Piccadilly), don't worry about whether there's a link from Bolton to Rochdale/ Stockport/ Airport - the numbers making cross city journeys aren't significant enough to need a direct link from everywhere to everywhere
4. I know that you have to work around other TOCs but *try* to provide better gaps between trains - there's no point in running six trains per hour on a line if there are regularly gaps of over fifteen minutes - there are plenty of corridors in northern England where we have terribly spaced trains (but the awkward combination of through services mean that we can't space them very well)
5. Stop worrying about ORCATS so much - e.g. the move to double the Leeds - York service through Garforth by making the Blackpool service non-stop and running a second service as a stopper - TPE provide the bulk of services on this route - a second Northern service is just getting in the way for the sake of making some ORCATS cash - same goes with the additional Wakefield Westgate - Leeds service (the extended ex-Pontefract one)
6. If you want to keep the franchise much longer then sit down and have a difficult conversation about DCO/Sundays - we need a fully staffed railway - we need a safe system where Guards can get around and attend to passengers (not just spending their time opening and closing the doors, which is what happens on a route where the train stops every five minutes - maybe I'd offer a bucketload of cash for anyone willing to be tied down to a long term contract (i.e. that doesn't allow them to scamper off to a longer distance TOC once they've a couple of years under their belt, getting away from the cycle where the local TOC spend time/money training staff up and the other TOCs use that as a source of trained staff)